Retake....on second thought

I Miss You

My family to moved to in Elgin in the grip of an icy winter. Miles away from the busy Chicago neighborhoods to a small suburb on a pristine, quiet street. The winter was long and it took us just as long to get accustomed to our new home, our new life. I was eight years old that winter. I remember feeling lonely, having left all my friends and familiar places. 

Spring came and with it, a new neighbor. A young black boy, his two sisters and his mother. The boy and I were drawn to each other and became fast friends. He became my confidant, my partner in crime, my closest cohort. Every moment we could, we would be together. Exploring the woods close by, sneaking into the rock quarry, or spooking ourselves at the local cemetery. He was the first person I told I was gay. He told me he was too. I think we always knew. When my parent’s divorced and at a time when rough seas threatened to consume me, he was there, acting as my anchor and giving me solace. Everything that life could throw at us, we could handle it because we had each other. Through all of his heartbreaks and his ups and downs, through all of my mistakes and my wanderings, we were always there for each other, extending a helping hand and an open heart. With each other, we were like an open book. I could never hide anything from you.

As we grew older, it would be distance that would separate us. Distance was no match for what we had; we would always find our way back to each other. Even if a year had passed since our last face to face, it would immediately be just as it always had been once he came into view. It would be impossible to lose each other, we were soul mates. We owned piece of each other, a friendship so deep it would last for eternity. 

I found out he was sick in 2007. I had just seen him during the spring of 2007 and he had fallen ill that autumn. He told me on over the phone, like a fool I refused to acknowledge that I could lose him. We would talk weekly; he would laugh with me, just like the old days. When he started dialysis, his happy façade started cracking. It was then that the phone calls dwindled and then the phone stopped ringing. I would call and get no answer. Eventually I would get the electronic voice telling me that the number was disconnected. I started to worry but I wouldn’t let myself get hysterical. 

My mother called me in March of 2008 to tell me she had spoken to his sister. She told me that my friend had passed away. He left us on February 7th, 2008. 

There is a grief so vast, so empty; I have no words to describe it.

I spoke to his sister today, I needed to know how his final days had been. He had confided in her that he was tired, so tired. Tired of the medications, tired of dialysis. Tired of being sick. He stopped his medications and his body started failing soon after. In the hospital, he was kept comfortable with medications. He died in a coma, on a Tuesday. His funeral was the following Monday. His remains were cremated, he had asked not to be buried and that his ashes be scattered in the ocean. 

I gave his sister my condolences and she gave me hers. She said that he and I were like brothers and that I was a part of the family. She spoke of how she remembered us playing in the park at eight years old, like it was just yesterday. Yes, I remember too. She told me that he had confided in her that through all the years and all the people he had known that I was always his best friend, that I was the one person he knew the best and who knew him like no other. Yes, that is true. I apologized for not being there for him at the end of his journey. She said it was ok, she didn’t know how to contact me, nor did anyone else. She told me that he still loved me and that it was fine. I still feel terrible; I should’ve been there for you. I was told that one day we will see him again. He is in a better place. Is it selfish to say I wish he wasn’t there?

After all we had been through, our friendship withstood every test. It figures the only thing that could really separate us would be death. Even that will only be temporary. Then I can apologize to you for not being there, at the end of it. I should’ve been there. I would give anything to have second chance at being there. I would give anything to have been able to tell you then that I love you. I would give it all up for just one more day with you. Losing you is the hardest trial that has ever been cast upon us.

I love you, James Rankins, more than I thought I could possibly love someone. I miss you everyday, more than I thought I could possibly miss someone. I can’t wait to see you again. You wouldn’t believe how tightly I hold onto the memories, what we shared, so tightly. It’s all I have left. It’s all any of us have left. I miss you so much.

Keys - Chapter 5

Chapter 5
Vacation

It was no problem getting the time off from work. I hadn’t taken any time off the whole time I’d been working and my supervisor didn’t put up a fuss at all. Everything was falling right into place. JR and I had not spoken at all Sunday. In the midst of our silent fight I decided I would go to Key West. If anything just to prove a point; I can do whatever I want. If that meant taking advantage of a situation and someone’s feelings, so be it. I would disappear for a week and enjoy myself. That and the thought of what JR would say once he knew I was running off for a week with Salvador brought me a smug satisfaction. 

I drove home and called Sal immediately when I arrived. 

“Hi, Sal. I was calling to tell you I was able to take next week off.”

“That’s wonderful. I will call and get you your ticket. I’ll call you back later tonight with a confirmation code.” 

I could hear muffled voices in the background. 

“Ok, I’ll let you go. You sound busy.”

“Work, baby. I have to make money.” He had a teasing tone I did not care for. “One thing, baby. Go to Walgreens and get your passport photo taken. Have them take it with a blue background.”

“What? Why?”

“Just do that, ok? Remember it has to be a blue background. Grab some blue construction paper and have them use that to make it blue. When I call you back tonight I will give you an address that you’ll overnight them to.”

“Ok. Bye.”

“Bye, honey.”

I wondered why he wanted passport photos. Then it struck like a sledgehammer. I had just agreed to a week in Key West with Salvador. My feelings were mixed on the situation. Sure, I wanted a vacation and I had never been further than Kansas in all my worldly travels but to just jaunt off to a place at the farthest tip of the country with what amounted to nothing more than an acquaintance was way out of character. It surprised even me. Fuck it. I was tired of being so predictable, so routine. This was spontaneous, this was something new. I couldn’t wait to tell JR. I could just see the look on his face when I told him. I was going to take great delight in telling him. He had hurt my feelings and I really wanted to get him going and upset. This could do it. 

What would I tell Brandon? My stomach churned. I could tell him that I was going to Kansas with my mother. We would be going to visit relatives. Flashes of warm skin and soft whispers raced through my head. Why was this so hard? It seemed like it should’ve been easier, lying to Brandon, but it was a heavier burden than I had thought it would be. Someone was offering me unadulterated affection and I was tossing it aside. If it came down to it, I thought, I will pick Brandon. I never gave it consideration that maybe; the decision would be made for me. 

JR arrived a few minutes after I returned from Walgreens. The photo technician had given me a hard time about the special request on the passport photos. In the end he obliged but charged me a couple of dollars extra for the unusual request. Out in the parking I stared at the small photos wondering what they might be for. At home, JR walked in and we gave each other a brief hello. I would wait until he was relaxed and settled for the night. I was in front of the stove, boiling spaghetti, when I told him. He was on the couch, applying lotion to his legs and watching Roseanne. 

“I’ll be gone next week. I’m going to Key West with Sal.”

There was no reply. I stood and stared into the starchy pot of bubbling water. This was not the reaction I had been expecting. Finally he spoke-

“What’re you gonna tell Brandon?”

“I’m going to tell him I’m visiting relatives in Kansas with my mom.” I paused for a moment “I’m sorry about the other night. I don’t want to fight with you.”

The fight had weighed heavily on my mind. The status quo for any disagreement I participated in was that I would get upset, ignore the person, refuse to apologize and wait until they apologized to me. I would accept it, even if I had been in the wrong, and life would go on. This, however, was my best friend. He’d been there for me since I was a child. He was the first person I came out to. He was the first who found out when I lost my virginity. He was my confidant and knew more about me than anyone else. With him, I was an open book. 

“I’m sorry too, girl.” He stirred the spaghetti sauce and gave me a reconciliatory smile. 

“I know you don’t like the whole thing but when is something like this going to happen to me again?”

“I know. Just be careful. Take it for all you can get out of it, just be careful.”

“I will.”

We put our spoons down and hugged. The fight was over as quickly as it started. That’s how fights were with us. We would spar like siblings but we could never stay mad long. It was too hard to stay upset with each other. We needed each other then, like a necessity. I wish I could say it would remain that way forever but time has a knack for making everything fade. 

“It’s going to be so nice and warm down there.” He said as we went back to dinner preparation “Girl, I was kinda jealous of what you got going on. I’d like to have a man give me clothes and money. But I never meant to hurt your feelings.”

“I know.”

“I’ll cover for you with Brandon too.”

I gave him a self-righteous grin “I know.”

We laughed openly and loudly. After dinner we sat on the balcony and we spoke about nothing in particular. It was eight thirty when Salvador called me back. I was in the middle of smoking a loosely rolled joint with JR. It was poorly rolled and I was eating more of it than I smoking. I was just about to scold JR for the poor skill he had demonstrated in rolling, when the phone rang.

“Hello?” my voice was slow and monotone. 

“Hi gorgeous. I have a confirmation code for you. Aren’t you excited?” His normally gruff tone had taken on a boyish enthusiasm. “Did you get the passport photos?”

“Yes, I am excited. I have never seen the ocean before. Why did you need the passport photos?”

“I have a friend in California that can get you a fake ID. You want to party in the clubs, don’t you?”

“Oh. Well yeah, ok!” I was thoroughly pleased. A fake ID could come in handy. This just seemed to get better and better.

He chuckled at my eager response. “I thought so.”

He gave me the confirmation code for my airplane ticket. It departed O’Hare airport that coming Friday at six! Salvador told me he would meet me at the Ft. Lauderdale airport when I landed and together we would make the three hour trek down the lone highway that runs over land and sea, to his home in Key West. I would return the following Friday, just in time to see Brandon that weekend. I wrote down the code and the address that he wanted me to send the photos to. It was an address in Los Angeles and it was going to a man named Berto Endovar. I wrote carefully, taking care to get all the information correct. After I had the information, Salvador spoke to me in his usual tone.

“I’m glad you’re coming down, gorgeous. You’ll love it there. You’ll see everything I have to offer you and what kind of life you can have. I was very serious, gorgeous, when I told you I can be a generous man. I can take care of you; you could have whatever you want.”

“It’s just a vacation, Sal.” I laughed uneasily.

“Just know that I’m serious. I like you and I think it could work. You and me.”

I might have felt different about it had he said it with sentiment. Instead it sounded like he was talking with a business partner, cool and calculating. It gave me an intensely edgy feeling. I thought about the comment JR had made about Salvador buying my time and I felt polluted. Perhaps I should break it off after the vacation. This was not going to sit well with me; it would burn inside of me like an ulcer. 

“I understand.” I said weakly. 

“Good. You take care and have a good night, Gorgeous.” 

“Bye Sal.” 

I waited until I heard him hang up before I did the same. JR lay on the floor, gazing up at me with sleepy eyes. A hint of a smile tinged the corners of his mouth. I looked at the piece of paper I had in my hand and put the corner of it in my mouth, tasting the paper. JR gently kicked my knee.

“Well?” 

“I’m leaving Friday. The plane leaves at six, so I have to leave work a little early. I’ll be back next Friday. Did you know it takes three hours to drive to Key West from Miami? It’s so far south.”

“It’s gonna be so nice, bitch.” JR sat up and hugged his knees to his chest “You get to go on a trip and the week after that is your birthday. Do you think Sal will get you something?”

“I don’t know about that but I do know that I’ll be celebrating my 21st birthday.” I nonchalantly picked up the television remote and started absently flipping through channels.

“You mean your 20th birthday.” JR corrected. 

“Well the ID that Sal is getting for me is going to say I’m 21.”

JR jumped up in excitement. His eyes already said what I knew he was going to say. I had already thought of asking Salvador to get JR an ID as well. What good is going to any bar or club without my best friend there with me? 

“I’ll ask him when I get down there.” I finally burst out. 

I stood and grabbed his hands. Together we jumped in circles, laughing like a couple of hyenas. We always shared everything, the good and the bad. If one of us had a bit of good fortune, we would share it with the other. When I started receiving money from Salvador, I never intended to keep it secret or not share it with JR. We both worked too hard for too little. We looked out for each other and it seemed natural to share the benefits of my relationship. 

“Let’s start getting your clothes together!” JR said breathlessly “You have to take all the new clothes you got cause those are so cute, girl!”

He led me to the bedroom and I pulled out my old suitcase. Together we went through my closet meticulously. I foolishly thought that this vacation would be all about relaxing and being comfortable. Using this train of thought, I started pulling out all my favorite cartoon logo shirts. 

“Bitch, Mighty Mouse isn’t going with you.” JR spoke with a disgusted look on his face.

“I like this shirt though. It’s a ringer tee.”

The shirt was snatched from my hands and thrown to the floor. I bent over to pick it up and JR stepped on it. I stood back up, glaring at him. He didn’t move, just shook his head me disapprovingly. His size nine foot covered Mighty Mouse’s’ face completely. 

“You’re going on a vacation to an island. You’ll be on a boat. You’ll be eating at nice restaurants. You’re not fucking goin’ to Disneyland. I told you, we’re picking out nice clothes. It’s bad enough that most of your clothes is shit like this.”

I felt dejected. It was true; my clothes were mainly T-shirts with video game characters, cartoon characters, rock bands or cutesy logos. They were not the most mature and stylish pieces but I was comfortable in them. I felt that these clothes were who I was, someone childish at heart. 

“Can I at least take my Zelda shirt?” I asked gloomily. 

“Especially not the Zelda shirt.” 

“How about if I were them only to bed?”

“You don’t sleep with a shirt on, bitch. Nice try.”

That was the end of the discussion. I sat on my bed as JR had taken over the packing process completely. I watched him as he flipped through hangers, pause occasionally to pull something out, inspect it and throw it back on the rack. We ended up with a pile of clothing that consisted of all my new clothing and clothing that I really didn’t wear all that much, mainly because I felt it was too stuffy. Collars and buttons were something I reserved for work not for recreation. 

“You can wear whatever you want to the Royal on Wednesday.” JR said it as if I were receiving a consolation prize. 

“Gee, thanks!” I said sarcastically.

A fiendish grin streaked across JRs face. “Can I borrow your Puerto Rican papi while you’re gone?”

I snorted and rolled my eyes “No, you cannot. Leave my toys alone, you break all of yours.”

“I can’t help it, I play hard.” He walked to the door then turned back to me “Do you want me to keep an eye on him at the Royal when you’re gone?”

I considered it a moment “Yes. Please.” 

Guilt smacked my face. How could I ask my friend to check up on Brandon when I was running off with another man for a week? It felt despicable and slimy. There was no reason to believe that Brandon was playing around just because I was. I repressed the feeling that I was being a selfish asshole and followed JR out to the living room for a bedtime joint.

Wednesday found me at the Royal, standing outside with Brandon. It was quieter on the busy street than in the over packed, heinously loud club. Down on street level you could still hear the music and feel the bass reverberating to the concrete sidewalk. We were talking over a couple of cigarettes. Brandon held his cigarettes like he was holding a joint. I found it amusing.

“You’ll be back next Friday?” 

“Yes,” I exhaled up into the sky “my plane gets in at 3:15.”

“Can I come over that night? Or should I give you some time to relax?” His perfect white teeth illuminated from a small smile. 

“Come over as soon as you can.” I grinned.

We stamped our cigarettes out on the sidewalk and headed back inside. People were everywhere, more than usual. Maneuvering through the crowd was a chore and I couldn’t find JR. Our progress was halted in the doorway of the main room. There was a glut of people and the traffic was at a standstill. It was 8:15 according to the clock on the wall. This kind of crowd was huge and most other times it really didn’t fill up until after nine. I searched the wave of faces for JR but he was not out on the stairwell and inside the dance hall it was too dark to see clearly. Next to us an argument had broken out between to young men and the voices were rising quickly in agitation. There was no where to back up to and the crowd grew tighter around us as people swarmed to get a look at the commotion. 

A punch was thrown and I could hear a girl yell out. The mass of bodies rippled around us. A boy in front of us fell back, pushed by the crowd. In his hand he held a large blue plastic cup, filled with a bright red liquid. I could see it coming before it happened. I turned myself away as best I could and closed my eyes. The cold liquid soaked my side and I could feel it starting to soak the top of my jeans. I opened my eyes and looked down at myself. The right side of my shirt had been splashed and a dark stain was setting on my yellow shirt. 

“FUCK, DUDE!”

It was Brandon. I looked over to him and the majority of the cups contents had hit him. Dead center, with a streak running off to his left. His baby blue shirt had a growing red stain, spreading quickly in all directions. 

“Oh man, I’m sorry about that.” The boy looked frightened and nervous. 

“What the fuck, dude? Look at my shirt! You better-“ 

He stopped and turned to me. 

I was laughing, loudly. Bouncers rushed towards the crowd but the fight had already dissipated. I laughed because the expression on Brandon’s face was of a child, ready to throw a tantrum. A child with what looked like Kool-Aid all over his shirt. 

“The shit is not funny.” Brandon said, trying to stop a smile.

Still laughing I grabbed his hand, there was a break in the crowd, and went into the dance hall. We stood over at one of the windows and I surveyed the damage. His shirt and mine would stain, no doubt about it. However, his shirt was so wet it stuck to him. I pulled it from his chest and stomach and when I released it stuck again. 

You’re shirt is ruined, unless you get it in some cold water and detergent like right now.” 

I was practically yelling into his ear. He nodded his agreement and in response he embraced me and pressed his lips to mine. I responded eagerly and tasted his tongue. We remained that way for the length of two repetitive, electronic songs. When he pulled away, he whispered in my ear but I could hear it clearly.

“Let’s go put this in some cold water.”

I gave him a sultry smile and started to walk towards the door to the stairwell. At the door I gave the crowd another, final scan. No JR anywhere. We pushed our way down the stairs urgently. At the door I stopped to talk to the Latino bouncer, who nodded weakly in recognition.  

“You know that boy I always come in with?”

His nodding continued “That black boy? Yeah I know who you talking about.”

“If you see him, will you tell him that his friend went home? Nothing is wrong and I will see him there. I would really appreciate it.” I gave my best winning smile. 

He gave Brandon and I bored look but nodded again. 

“Yeah, if I see him.”

I extended my right hand out to him.

“Thank you so much…uhm?” I smiled and waited for a name.

“Mario.” He took my hand, giving it a brief shake. 

“Mario. Thank you, Mario. You’re a gentleman, I can tell that about you. I like that.”

Mario cocked his eyebrow up at me and folded his arms. I took that as my signal to go. 

“See you in two weeks, Mario!” I called as I rushed outside. 

Outside Brandon started walking towards the bus stop but I waved down a taxi in less than a minute. We got in and I instructed the driver to take us to Union Station. 

“Why didn’t we just take the bus?” Brandon brandished another irresistible smile. 

“Taxi’s faster.” 

He slid his around my waist and leaned in. His lips bounced along my neck. I laughed and gave him a small push. In the rearview I could see the driver giving us a stony glance. We arrived at the station in less than ten minutes and stood at the platform waiting on the train to arrive. 
“What time do you work tomorrow?” I asked. 

“I don’t.”

“That’s cool.” 

It meant I could keep him up late. 

The train ride home seemed excruciatingly long. Once we arrived at the house it was as if we were crazed lunatics, tearing at each others clothes. When we embraced he would stick. 

“Your chest is sticky. And kind of red.” I laughed breathlessly. 

We stood in the hallway that led to the bedroom and bathroom. He looked down at himself and touched his hand to his chest. His lips scrunched as his hand peeled stubbornly away from his skin. 

“I need a shower.” He stood before me, wearing only in his boxers.

So we took a shower. 

Later that night we lay in my bed, exhausted. I was on my side, gazing adoringly at him. He lay on back, with his eyes closed and speaking softly to me. 

“That’s when I realized that I was gay and it was never going to change.”

He had told me that in high school, he had been dating a girl he’d grown up with. They had dated all through middle school and high school. In his senior year he met a boy and they started a secret relationship. It was a brief but fiercely passionate affair. He had broken it off with this girl, who had been devastated. He did it because he thought he and this boy would have a life together. Instead, the boy claimed that he wanted no part in a serious relationship; that he was only in it for the sex. Brandon was crushed, inconsolable for weeks over their 3 month relationship. Everyone else thought that his moodiness was due to his split with his high school sweet heart. He had felt bad for breaking it off with the girl he had spent so much time with but it was incomparable to the hurt he felt from losing this boy. He knew then that the desire he felt for men was no fluke. It was who he was.

“I’m sorry that hurt you so much.”

He smiled and opened one eye to look at me.

“It’s all good. You move onto better things, right?”

I forced a smile to my face.
“Exactly.”

I didn’t want to be the next story he would tell. Daggers went through me and I was alarmed at how close I was to crying and blurting it all out. It was so much easier keeping the ruse up with Salvador. It didn’t feel like this with him, it didn’t feel like it mattered with him. I needed to find a way to maneuver out of this with the least amount of collateral damage. I just hadn’t figured it out yet. 

“Are you over that mess now?” I held my head up in my hand.

His eyes opened and his soft brown eyes shined.

“Hell yeah. Now I know to avoid guys who can’t commit to just me. Just me.” He sat up on his elbows then, his silver chain falling to the side. “Are we getting serious here? Is it just you and me? Should I be avoiding you?”

My heart skipped “Brandon-“

“W-w-w-w-wait” he cut me off, shaking his head “Maybe it’s too early to talk about us being serious but I want you to know that I’m not seeing anybody else right now. I don’t want to see anybody else.”

I had to force myself to look him in the eyes. The honesty and emotion I saw there was unbearable.

“It’s just you and me.” I said.

I was a total asshole.

He sealed it with a kiss and we lost ourselves in each other again. It was 12:15 when I got back out of bed, leaving Brandon mumbling incoherently. I dressed in the dark and took a load of clothes down to the laundry room at bottom of the building. Standing in front of a sink I sprayed his shirt and scrubbed it with a stiff brush. When I came back to the apartment Brandon was sitting on the couch in a pair of my pajama pants, watching television. 

“Where’d you go?”

“I took some clothes to the laundry and threw your clothes in with them.”

“Thanks.” The warmth in his tone threatened to bring tears. “Come sit with me for minute.”

I sat down close to him and we sat for a while, basking in each others company.

“I’m going to call in tomorrow.” I said “I want to spend the day with you.”

“That’s cool.” He leaned over and brushed his lips against my cheek.

JR burst through the door. He was laughing uproariously. He had a boy in tow. The young man was tall and white. He wore a baseball cap backwards and brown plaid shirt. He laughed with JR and they both focused their attention to us.

“Bitch!” JR sauntered over to me on the couch and plopped himself down next to me “I couldn’t find you!”

He was obviously drunk. 

“I told the bouncer to tell you I left.”

“He told me, bitch. He told me when I leaving the fuckin’ club. And you know what, bitch? I knew you had taken Brandon home so y’alls could fuck before I got back. I just fuckin’ knew that shit.”

Brandon laughed sharply beside me. 

“Who’s your friend? And when did you get drunk?” I found myself giggling at JRs inability to focus on me.

JR smiled hugely “OH! This is my new friend, Tyler. Tyler, this is my best friend I told you about, Fredo.”

“Nice to meet you.” 

He leaned forward to shake my hand and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“And that is Brandon. I told you about him too.” JR laughed and looked to Brandon, his laughter cutting short. “Brandon! You aint got a shirt on. Nice.”

“What’s good J?” Brandon smiled at JR.

JR slouched back on the couch and exhaled heavily.

“I am tore the fuck up. Tyler snuck in a bottle and we just drank it all up. Tyler’s from Barrington and he’s 21 years old.” JR stopped and bit his bottom lip. “He’s never been with a black boy.”

Brandon, JR and I all looked up towards Tyler, who turned a deep crimson. One of his hands pushed his cap down further on his head while the other clenched up tight. 

“I’m sure that’ll be taken care of before too long, huh Tyler?” I leered up at him.

“Heheh Yeah.” Tyler’s shade of red remained. 

“C’mon Tyler.” JR said as he pushed himself off of the couch. “Let me show you what it’s all about.”

They stumbled back to the bedroom and I could hear more laughter come from the room. Brandon and I looked at each other and he turned the volume up on the television. JR suddenly rushed back into the room. He was in a soft pink bathrobe that flooded around his feet. 

“You don’t mind if I keep the bedroom for tonight do you?” 

“No, go ahead. Can you bring me some blankets though?” 

JR smiled foolishly.

“Yeah.” He looked at Brandon “I like you Brandon. You and Fredo are cute together. I hope you stay.”

He disappeared before Brandon could respond. I wanted to choke JR. Instead Brandon and I tuned out to the television before finally passing out curled around each other. 

We awoke early so that I could call out from work and finish up the laundry. After a quick breakfast, Brandon suggested we head to the city and hang out by the lake. That is how we spent our day, walking along the beach and talking. It was a beautiful day, clouded by my deceit. The sun was hovering above the horizon while Brandon and I enjoyed late afternoon ice cream cones. We walked slowly together, soaking in what was left of our day. 

“Can I tell you that today was really cool. I’m really into you, Fredo.” As Brandon spoke he licked vanilla ice cream from his lips.

I looked over at him; setting sun in his eyes and it was perfect. He was perfect and in that moment, it was all I could ask for. There is no price tag you could put on the look in his eyes.

“I’ll miss you while I’m gone.”

“I’ll be waiting for you when you get back. Next week is going to feel like a month.”

“Ok, settle down.” 

I shoved him playfully and laughed. After a few steps I noticed he wasn’t next to me and I turned to see him standing behind me, licking his cone and watching me.

“What?” I asked.

“I am going to miss you.”

I walked up to him, my face just a few inches from his.

“I’ll miss you tons. When I get back ,we’ll spend a day together again.” 

My eyes closed when he kissed me and I heard waves crashing against the rocks along the beach. I could taste the vanilla ice cream on his tongue. When my eyes opened he was smiling. 

“Let’s go.”

We continued our walk down Lakeshore drive. It was dark when we parted ways at the subway station. Brandon hopped on his train first and I sat on a bench and watched it speed away. I lit a cigarette, smoking it slowly. My train came and left and I watched it speed away as well, another would be by again soon. People walked by me and I paid them no attention, I just sat there smoking quietly. It was my way of hanging on to the day that had passed. 

The workday on Friday roared by; I arrived home early, rushing around the apartment, gathering all the last minute items I had forgotten. Traffic to the airport would be a nightmare and had only 2 and a half hours before my flight was to leave. I had just finished gathering all my bags, 4 total, for my trip and was contemplating as to how I could get them all downstairs without making multiple trips when the phone rang. 

“Hello?” 

I was flustered and answered sharply. 

“Hello, gorgeous.”

My breath exhaled audibly and I smiled.

“Hi Sal. I’m getting ready to walk out now and I have a ton of bags. I might be running behind to the airport. I’m a little stressed right now.”

“What in the world are you bringing? Do you need four bags?” He chuckled and continued “Do you need help with all those bags?”

“Are you here?” I took a few steps towards the front door before the buzzer sounded.

“No, I’m not but I sent you a ride.” 

“What?” 

I held the phone away from me as I spoke into the intercom.

“Hello?” I honestly had no idea who to expect.

“Hello, sir. My name is Jeffrey and I’m here to take you to the airport. Would you need any assistance with your bags?” 

The mans voice was bright and pleasant. 

“Yes, please. Fourth floor, apartment 417, I’ll buzz you in now.” 

My finger was on the intercom as I brought the phone back to my ear.

“You called me a cab Sal? Thank you!” 

Salvador laughed heartily as if I had just told the world’s funniest joke.

“No, gorgeous. I sent a driver for you.”

My smile was instantaneous. 

“Sal, you didn’t have to do this. I can drive myself.”

“I wanted to. I’ll see you at the airport when you land. It will be a fantastic week. See you soon, gorgeous.”

He hung up abruptly, before I could say anything else I hung up and smiled. A thought struck me and I quickly dialed, it was picked up on the third ring.

“Thank you for calling Sonic. How can I help you?”

“Hi can I talk to JR?”

“Hold on.”

A knock on the door announced the driver’s arrival. 

“Hello?” JR answered sounding annoyed.

“Hello!” The driver smiled a remarkably white smile with dimples that went deeply into his cheeks. He was a tall blonde with sparkling blue eyes and dressed smartly in a suit.

“JR!” I smiled. 

“Jeffrey.” The driver smiled in return.

“Who is that?” the annoyance in JRs voice had dissipated. 

“No, I was talking to someone on the phone.”

“I see. You had some bags you wanted me to take?”

“Yes, come in. They right over here.”

“Who the fuck is that?”

“The driver.”

“Yes?”

“No, the phone again.” I was flustered. 

The driver smiled curtly and started gathering up bags.

“I’ll take the shoulder bag.” I informed him. 

“You got a driver to take you to the airport!” JR practically screeched directly into my ear.

The driver walked past and out of the apartment.

“No, fool. Sal had one come here to take me to the airport. Isn’t that crazy?!”

“That’s tight.”

I grabbed my shoulder bag and fished my keys from it. 

“I know! I’ve never even taken the taxi to the airport. Now I’m being chauffeured there.”

“I hate you, bitch. I got to go though. Call me when you get there!” 

“I will.”

We hung up and I left my small apartment. When I stepped out into the lobby I could see the driver shutting the trunk to his glossy black town car. The windows were tinted almost jet black and it appeared freshly polished. Jeffrey, noticed me through the glass entry way of the building and that remarkable, dimpled smile made another appearance. He opened the backdoor and stood next to the vehicle. I was surprised at how embarrassed I felt. 

“Good afternoon, sir. Step in and we’ll be on our way.”

The car had a rich, black leather interior. The seats enveloped you in their softness and the smell of a new car was evident. The driver closed the door and I sat in the cool, dark automobile. The air conditioning was obviously on but I couldn’t feel the car running at all. I smiled and sat back in a slouch. I felt I needed some dark sunglasses and I laughed softly. The driver opened his door, taking his seat. I caught the fragrance of musky cologne.

“The traffic is heavy but I think we should have you at the airport in about an hour. That’ll give you plenty of time to get your bags checked in and get to your gate.”

I could see him looking back at me in his rearview mirror. 

“That sounds great.” 

The car took off quietly and glided away from my home. It was thrilling to be leaving and going somewhere so far from home. It was exciting to be starting it off in a chauffeured town car. Traffic was heavy but I didn’t mind. I felt like someone important in that black car, like someone who mattered. That’s how it all got to be so irresistible. Irresistible to a boy who grew up in a modest home and an old television, who had to work for everything he wanted. This was a taste of something he never had before and it was delicious. 

True to his word, the driver pulled up to my terminal in exactly an hour. He stepped out and hurried to my side so the he could open the door. After I stepped out he waved to an airline employee, who was working the outside check in kiosk, to come over. He unloaded my bags and the gentleman from the airport whisked them away to check in. The driver slammed his trunk close and extended my hand. He gave a firm handshake and patted my shoulder. 

“Have a good flight sir.”

“Thank you, Jeffrey.”

“Sir, do you have a confirmation code?”

The airport employee appeared impatient as I dug through my bag for the handwritten code. I found it hiding under two books and my Gameboy. I read it off to him carefully and his tone changed almost immediately. 

“Alright, do you have an ID?” He smiled a big fake smile.

I gave him my ID and waited patiently as he printed out a boarding pass and gave me my luggage tags. I thanked him and he asked if I would like a ride to the terminal. I declined, giving him a confused smile. I walked away to the end of the terminal, away from the doors, so that I could smoke a cigarette before my flight. I lit my cigarette and flipped my boarding pass, studying it absently. Cigarette smoke stung my eyes as I read the boarding the pass.  

FCSEAT 11

I exhaled through clenched teeth. An airplane roared overhead and I lifted my head to watch its departure. Standing there, in front of O’Hare airport with a first class ticket in my hand to Ft. Lauderdale, it was surreal. You could not have told me something like this could happen to me, let alone that someone else would be footing the bill. The whole circumstance was outrageous. I threw my cigarette down and walked inside the bustling airport. The gate was full of people and there were no seats left for me to sit and wait. Twenty minutes later boarding started and it was thrilling to step up in front of the crowd to be seated for first class. I reminded myself to thank Salvador for the choice seating. I grinned idiotically as I made my way to the ticket agent, noticing other coach passengers watching as I walked up. It felt good. 

Once I was seated in the large overstuffed seat, a stewardess offered me something to drink, which I happily accepted. Coach passengers filed by me and I continued my grinning. A young man walked by me, wearing baggy clothes and diamonds in his ears and he reminded me of Brandon. That made the good cheer I felt, vanish. Was all of this worth it? A strong bond was forming and I was putting it on the table, gambling it away. This couldn’t go much longer, if the guilt didn’t eat me alive then surely I’d be caught. I resolved myself once more to end this after I returned from Key West. The thought of losing Brandon made my stomach churn and it was all that was on my mind during the three hour flight. 

As the plane was descending, it was dark and the vast city lights sang out into the darkness. The plane pulled up to the gate and the crew was ushering us out with impatient goodbyes. In the bright fluorescent lights of the airport, I searched for Salvador. Since I didn’t spot him at the gate, I decided to head down to baggage claim, maybe he was there. It was quiet and virtually empty as I made my way through the gates to the baggage claim area. I was nervous and my hands were clammy. There was a brief urge to go turn back and go home but it passed as quickly as it came. The escalator was slow and as I made my slow advance downwards I spotted Salvador. His back was to me, his phone to his ear. He was dressed in jeans and a tight T-shirt. It was funny to see him that way; he was always in suits at any other time. His shirt fit snugly and I could see the muscles in his back as they flexed and moved. It reminded me of the night we spent at the hotel and a desire mixed with regret fluttered through me. He spotted me as I came off the last step.

“Hi gorgeous. How was your flight?”

“Great! The first class seat was a surprise. Thank you!”

He gave me a quick embrace and kiss.

“Let’s hurry and grab your bags, I’m parked in the waiting zone.”

We waited a few minutes for the carousel to release my bags from the depths of the airport before we headed outside. I stepped out into the warm, humid night of a Florida September. Palm trees decorated the area around the airport. We walked up to a black, highly polished, Mercedes coupe. The car had chrome accents that shined like silver and the paint had a mirror like reflection. I was admiring the car enviously as Salvador maneuvered all of my bags inside of it.

“I didn’t know you had a Mercedes” 

Salvador slammed the trunk closed and laughed.

“I don’t. This is a rental.”

“Oh.”

He opened the passenger door and motioned me inside. 

“You’ll like my car even better. You’ll see it tomorrow.”

I sat in the leather interior and enjoyed the new car smell. Knobs and buttons called out to me, begging me to press them. Salvador slid into the vehicle next to me and the engine came to life. He smiled and opened the moon roof. It slid back and let the warm night air flow in. I buckled myself in and the car lurched away from the curb. It sped onto the freeway with agile grace. We weaved in and out of traffic so quickly it made me clutch the door. Building and sights streamed by me and I tried to soak them all in as we sped along. 

It was when we reached the next Freeway that would take us to the Seven Mile Bridge, that I caught my first sight of the ocean. It was breathtaking. A huge, black rolling mass that stretched out further than I could have imagined. Distant lights from boats bobbed on the surface and the moons light created sparks of stars on the waves. 

“Wow.” Was all I could say. 

“It’ll be better once we start crossing the bridge.”

“The bridge?”

Salvador grinned and laid his hand on my knee. 

“The Seven Mile Bridge. It connects the mainland to the keys. Miles and miles of concrete that goes out over the open water.”

“I can’t wait.”

“There are actually two bridges. One that runs to the islands and one that runs back to the mainland. In the center there are pieces of the old bridge that isn’t used anymore. You might be able to see them at night since the moon is so bright.”

The bridge is an awesome sight. The car flew over the structure at a clip that left others behind us. I rolled down my window and stared out at the water that surrounded us. The smell of the ocean has stayed emblazoned in my memory. Far off to the left I could see headlights of vehicles traveling in the opposite direction. In between you could see remnants of an old, decayed bridge. The sight of it gave me a nervous feeling. The thought of the bridge, crumbling and settling at the bottom of the ocean floor made me shiver. I could picture the bridge we were on, falling away into the black abyss. 

After a long while the car made started passing over numerous small islands. Some were uninhabited and others boasted a bar for bikers or a few homes. Everywhere you looked you couldn’t escape the sight of water. It was cooler out there on the islands, almost chilly. I wrapped my arms around myself and closed my eyes, melting into the soft leather that surrounded me. Salvador woke me and I came too slowly. We were parked on a dark street, lined with palms and exotic flowers. Next to us was a large, two-story building. It was painted white but the color had faded to slight grayish tint. On the second floor was a screened in balcony that spanned the entire length of the front. Salvador grabbed my bags and hurried up to the front door. 

“This is an apartment?” I asked, eyeing the front door that was next to Salvador’s.

“Yes. There is another apartment in back too.”

Salvador opened the door to his apartment and I was greeted by a long wooden staircase. Excitedly I took them, two at a time. I was gawking at his home when he met me upstairs with my bags. The apartment was grand. Cherry wood floors ran throughout and the walls were a velvety cream color. A large screen television sat in front of an overstuffed sofa and matching recliner. On the other side of the room a large glass desk sat with a desktop and a laptop computer. Next to it bubbled a large aquarium that held several large angelfish. Opposite the desk was a fully stocked glass bar. French doors led out onto the balcony which contained a plush seating area and grill. The kitchen was moderate in size but stylish with stainless steel appliances. Directly off of the living room was an expansive master bedroom. The walls were a pristine white, as was the bed sheets and comforter. Cherry wood dressers and nightstands complimented the floors and a white ceiling fan turned lazily overhead. White lace curtains blew softly around the windows, moved by the ocean breeze. 

Salvador walked past me and opened his closet. It was huge and he fit all my baggage in it. I watched him, not saying a word. He smiled at me and walked over to the master bathroom. He flicked a switch and a flood of white light came pouring out.  

“Why don’t you take a shower and get some sleep? We’ll get up early and go out on the boat. It’s a short drive to the marina and we can get some breakfast on the way.”

“Ok.” 

We kissed then and he groaned softly.

“Not tonight. I have calls to make tonight. You get some sleep.”

He kissed my cheek and closed the bedroom door softly behind him. I walked into the bathroom, blinded by the white tiling and bright lights. I showered slowly under hot water. I brushed my teeth and made a point of drinking some of the water from the tap. It had distinctly different taste than Chicago water. I studied myself in the mirror and gave myself an approving smile. In the closet, I dug around for sleeping attire and sat in the massive, white bed. In the living room I could hear muffled bits of conversation from Salvador.

“not like last time. Only two now and no more.”

I sighed and shut out the light in the closet My eyes grew heavy as I lay under the warm comforter. Shadows of trees swayed on the walls and crickets sang merrily. I frowned as Brandon came to mind and I forced him from my head. Rolling over, I concentrated instead on the sound of the creaky fan. 

“fucking owes it to me. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

I would enjoy this week. Next week would find me dedicated to Brandon at least that was the plan. This vacation would get Salvador out of my system. 

“say so. He asks me, not you. That fucking idiot.”

I imagined Brandon sleeping next to me and the thought made me hug my pillow. The sandman claimed me then and I slumbered, on an island, hundreds of miles from home.

KEYS - Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Fingers Crossed

My night with Brandon went just as planned and it was terrific. With my extra money I treated us to a few hours at a pool hall. The clock was in it’s after meridian stages when I arrived home to sleep. JR roused me out of my slumber with the sound of the stereo and the smell of eggs frying in the kitchen. After taking a leak, I came out to the living room and sat on the couch as we talked about the previous night. His eyes popped in disbelief as I recanted the situation with Salvador. Instead of a smile, he wore a deep frown.

“He just gave you three hundred dollars? Just like that?”

“Yes! He said he was a generous man. Then he left.” I got up and went to the table to light a cigarette. His gaze was making me feel self-conscious until he mercifully turned away to attend to breakfast.

“Did you sleep with him?”

“No, he didn’t even try. He just gave me a kiss and said he’d be back on Thursday and that he’d be right over once his plane landed.”

“That’s so weird. Do you want some eggs and toast?” When he turned back to face me his frown had disappeared and his usual smile was in it’s rightful place.

“Yes, please. Over easy.”

JR pulled two more eggs from the carton and cracked them into the hot skillet. “What are you going to do with the money?”

I never intended on squandering it. The decision as to where the funds would go had already been made as I had slipped it in my dresser drawer. “I’m going to use one hundred of it for groceries and the other hundred I’m putting towards rent. I still have sixty left from last night and I’m thinking I’ll use that for the phone and internet bill.”

“Why don’t you go on a shopping spree?” JR put my plate in front of me. He sat down across from me, breaking the yolks on his eggs and mashing them into a mess on his plate. 

“Money is too tight for me to spend it on bullshit.” I took a bite of my toast and thought about the money. It would make the end of month bills easier which would benefit both JR and I. At first the money had been hanging in my mind like an annoying headache but now it settled easily with me. I had started to wish I had received more. 

“That makes sense, girl.” JR spoke with a mouthful of egg and toast. “How was your thing with Brandon last night?”

I could feel my face brighten and a recognizable heat flowed just beneath my skin. “It was good. We hung out and played some pool. He’s really funny and I like his style.”

“Did you sleep with him?” His eyes, peering out over his glass of milk, locked onto mine. 

“I came home last night.” I said.

JR gave a look of impatience. “Not until two. Did you?”

“No, bitch. We were out in public the whole time. Where would we have had sex? He lives with his mom and I live with you and we share a one bedroom place.” Not that I hadn’t given some thought to it last night. I continued “If I would’ve taken him back here you’d have been listening at the door.”

“Boring.” JR said. He got up and put his plate in the sink. JR found sex to be much more casual than I did. We were opposites in that respect. He would look for a good romp and think nothing of it after the deed was done. I seemed to be constantly on the look out for something more meaningful. I wanted sex to feel special, I wanted to feel affection.

“Go take a shower” I said “then I can get take one and we can go get some groceries. I’m tired of sandwiches and ramen soup.” 

“Mmmm me too.” He disappeared into the bathroom. 

Sitting in the kitchen, I started to wonder where this was heading. Salvador seemed to be a decent guy and I could not deny that the thought of more gift money was alluring. The money was allowing me to buy better food and help out with other bills. Just how serious Salvador intended on getting with me was clear. I appreciated that a guy was looking for something more than just an encounter. His manner of showing it was something I wasn’t at all accustomed to but I was open to it. Hell, my pocketbook was open to it.

Brandon struck me as being pure fun, embodied in the form of an urban youth. He was handsome, young and ambitious. We had a spark that I didn’t have with Salvador and it ignited a desire in me. He didn’t have much to offer, just himself, but that was ok with me. I’ve never felt that I should need a man but that I should want him. How long was I going to able to play this game? Could the charade be kept up for a lengthy amount of time before I was called out on it? I knew that feelings would be hurt and my actions may very well be unforgivable. I could lose them both. My conservative side was going to have to take a backseat. It was time to take a risk. I was going to take this for all it was worth and hope for the best. 

The sound of the bathroom door opening derailed my thoughts. JR exited and I took his place. After we were both ready we headed off to the grocery store. We purchased items that we often thought were too extravagant and pricey. That night we were going to be having steak, this was a cause for excitement. We headed home and spent the remainder of the day at the pool, discussing our plans for Wednesday night and all the other little things that we had to look forward to. Laying in the August sun it really did seem that nothing could go wrong. The sun started setting. The mosquitoes, realizing the worst of the heat had passed, came out to satisfy their bloodthirsty appetites. Once we had retreated back to our apartment, we watched television and started preparing for dinner. 

The phone rang on the coffee table in front of me. 

“Hello?” I slouched back onto the sofa. 

“Fredo, what’s up? Are you sick of me yet?” It was Brandon. I was glad he called, it saved me from calling him tonight. I didn’t want to seem too eager.

“No, of course not. I’m happy to hear from you.”

“That’s good. I had a good time last night, you’re something special, you know? I’m already thinking about the next time I get to see you.”

I bit my lower lip with a smile. This very thing had been on my mind as well. It felt good to know that we were both excited about one another. 

“I’m at the Royal every Wednesday. Will I see you then?” Thoughts of his full lips and deep brown eyes whirled in my head. 

JR was standing at the kitchen doorway looking over at me with a questioning look. I smiled and licked my lips. He rushed over to the couch and pushed himself up against my side. I held the phone out so he could listen in on our conversation. 

“That’s cool.” Brandon demurred a moment “Can I see you tonight?”

“I work tomorrow;” he had caught off guard with that one “I can’t be out late.”

“I don’t,” he continued, his voice rising slightly “let me come over and stay the night with you?”

JR’s hands whipped up to cover his mouth. His eyes danced and he started nodding furiously at me. My heart was racing and my hands grew clammy.

“You wanna come here?” I was stammering “I-I don’t know Brandon. I mean-there isn’t anything to do over here and I do have to- to uh-work, you know. Uhm.”

“It doesn’t have to be sexual. I just want to see you. You’re addictive.” His voice was soft and sincere. How can you say no to that?

“I have to be up by six and out of the house by seven tomorrow.” It was my last excuse. 

“That’s cool.”

JR was shaking me at this point, it was obvious what he thought I should do. I exhaled and laughed.

“Ok, I’d like to see you. Have you had dinner?”

“No, I was gonna grab some Mickey D’s.” 

“Don’t. You can eat with us.”

I gave him our information and hung up. As I clicked the phone off, JR grabbed my hands and we jumped up and down laughing. My stomach was churning and my head was floating. 

“Girl, I can’t believe that boy is coming over here!” JR seemed as ecstatic as I was “He is gonna rock your world! I promise I won’t be listening at the door.”

I laughed and hugged him. “We aren’t going to be having sex. He is going to sleep on the couch. You have a bed here. Why should you be sleeping on the couch?” Never mind that I had slept a few nights on the couch while he had entertained.

“Whatever, girl.” He giggled “Go take a shower and get dressed.”

I ran off to get ready and when I came back out JR instructed me to finish making a salad and put the potatoes in the oven. As I cut vegetable I found that I could not wipe the smile from my face. It seemed unreasonable to be so excited over a boy I barely knew but I just could not help myself. The clock ticked by at an agonizingly slow rate. In about fifteen minutes he would be here and that still seemed to be an eternity. JR came back out, smelling like soap and shampoo. 

“I’ll roll us one up to smoke before dinner.” He had the stash box in hand. 

I finished up my part in the dinner process and started washing the dishes that were in the sink. We spoke excitedly of Brandon and his good looks and charming demeanor. JR was happy for me and the situation, but he pointed out one snag.

“What about Salvador, girl?”

“I’m going to keep seeing him too.” I responded coolly “I like him too. Not as much as Brandon but I like him.”

“And you want to get more money out of him.” JR was no fool.

“That too.” I shrugged my shoulders and laughed. 

JR joined in my laughter and told me I was bad. The clock on the stove showed me that Brandon was ten minutes later than I thought he was going to be. I started to wonder where he was and what was keeping him when the buzzer sounded. JR jumped and raced to the intercom. 

“Hello?” JR spoke with a feminine voice that I don’t think he was aware of. 

“Hey J, it’s Brandon.”

“Come in, papi.” JR buzzed him in and told me to go put some chapstick on. “Hurry! You want your lips to be soft and ready for when he comes in!”

I laughed loudly and ran to the bathroom. My reflection smiled back at me as I slid the chapstick over my lips. Standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, I waited. I heard the knock on the front door and the greetings that were exchanged. The sound of a plastic bag told me that Brandon had bought something over for us. Thoughtful. I attempted to shake off the butterflies I felt and compose myself. No need to be a bumbling oaf. Stepping out of the bathroom I was able to get a look at Brandon before he noticed me. He stood in the doorway of the kitchen with his hand in the pockets of his baggy jeans. He wore a green and white striped T-shirt and a silver chain hung down his chest. A green cap was cocked to the side on top of his perfectly cut hair. Diamond earrings sparkled in his hears and his perfect white teeth accentuated his smile. After a few steps forward, his peripheral vision caught sight of me and he turned to me, his smile growing impossibly wide. 

“Hey baby.” He greeted me with a kiss. “You look bomb.”

I smirked. My plain khakis and maroon T-shirt were nothing special. 

“Thanks. You look hot as hell.”

After another kiss we walked into the kitchen where JR was gathering up items to take out to the grill. On the table, in a plastic bag, was a six pack of beer. 

“You brought beer?” I questioned “How’d you get those?”

Brandon flashed a sly grin “I stopped at the gas station down at the corner. I can be very persuasive.” He leaned and softly kiss my neck.

“Yeah, I bet.” 

“Grab those beers and the joint” JR said “we can have them while we’re at the grill. 

We sat at the grill area, talking and joking. Brandon confided that he usually didn’t care for suburban boys. they struck him as haughty and self-centered. JR seconded that idea and stated he was always interested in the urban guys he would encounter downtown. I never gave much thought to dating urban boys, they seemed to be unmotivated and too rough. Brandon remarked that he could be rough but he had plenty of motivation. The conversation had us distracted and we forgot to tend to the steaks. They were going to be well done and slightly burnt. After dinner we settled into the living room with Brandon and I on the couch and JR sprawled out on an old bean bag. An old 60’s comedy started playing and I got up to smoke my last cigarette. It was late and I didn’t want to be strapped for energy at work. Brandon joined me out on the balcony.

“You guys have a nice place.” He spoke through a puff of smoke. 

“It’s alright.” I appreciated that Brandon was being sincere with me. He never once gave my home a disapproving look. 

JR stepped out with his cigarette hanging from his mouth. 

“Is it ok for me to come out too?”

Brandon and I spoke in unison “Yes.”

JR stood to the left of us, the flame from the lighter briefly illuminating his face.

“Brandon, you can sleep in the bedroom. I can take the couch.”

I bit the inside of my lip to suppress the giggles that were threatening to storm out of me.

“That’s cool, J.” Brandon looked to me “Is that ok with you?”

The laughter refused to be held in anymore and I blushed as they ran out. 

“Yeah. That’s ok.”

We finished smoking and I went to the bathroom to perform my nightly rituals. I washed my face, listening to the sounds of JR and Brandon talking in the living room. While I was putting on my night lotion I decided to give myself a misting with body spray. You know, just in case. When I finished I let JR know and walked into my room. I changed into a pair of old pajama pants and a worn and thin Sublime shirt. My alarm clock was set for six and I turned my bedroom stereo on softly to a late night talk show that featured a tactless therapist who gave no nonsense advice to all the poor, helpless souls who called in airing out their dirty laundry for all to hear. Brandon came in asking for a pair of PJ’s to wear and I handed him an extra pair of pants and a black Nirvana shirt I had owned since I was a freshman in high school. 

“Nirvana?” he said with a smirk.

“Yes.” Nervousness was creeping its way up my spine. 

Brandon stepped out to the bathroom. The sound of late night music videos crept in from the living room as JR settled in for the night. My closet door was ajar and I decided to get my clothes ready for the next day. I pulled out the usual polo and jeans and I was laying them on my dresser when Brandon stepped back in. His baggy clothes hid his frame which now, in my clothes, I could see more clearly. He wasn’t the skinny lanky guy I made him out to be. He was toned and thick. The silver chain still hung loosely over his chest. 

“You look good in Nirvana.” I teased. 

“The shirt smells like you.” He said. 

“Fabric softener, mountain breeze actually.” 

I kissed him lightly and flipped out the bedroom light. He stood there in the middle of the bedroom watching me. Soft orange light filtered through the blinds and shone on the walls. I climbed into my bed and looked up at him trying, once again, to suppress laughter. He looked down at me with a goofy grin.

“Do you want me to sleep in J’s bed?”

I shook my head as a nervous laughing fit freed itself from my lips. 

“Don’t laugh at me.”

He stepped towards my bed and peeled off the shirt. His chest was well defined and his stomach, not a six pack, was flat with a slight bulge. The streetlamp light made his pale skin orange and the chain radiated with a dull shine. A slight hint of hair extended from his belly button and disappeared beneath the pants. I felt my eyes linger on him for too long and looked away. 

“That shirt didn’t last long.” I said as he climbed in next to me. 

“I don’t sleep with a shirt.”

“Me either.” I whispered, stripping away my own shirt. 

We played a lot that night. Kissing, touching and small bouts of soft laughter. The feel of his skin against mine was warm and smooth. His lips meandered their away along every exposed piece of my skin, causing goose bumps to rise and my breath to quicken. My hands ran over the muscles that moved fluidly beneath his soft skin. The smell of him was heady to my senses. As I grew tired, we lay in the dark with out bodies close and I could feet his desire pressed against me. My eyes grew heavy as I listened to his breath and felt the soft, darting kisses on the back of my neck. In the background the on-air therapist scolded a caller for their indiscretions.

The alarm clock sounded shrilly in the calm dawn morning. I moaned as my hand fumbled for the off switch. I rubbed my eyes and lifted my head up. I was on my stomach and Brandon was on his side, facing me, with his arm and leg draped over me. The alarm had failed to rouse him. Leaning over to him, I kissed him softly on the cheek. His eyes snapped open and he turned to meet my lips. 

“I thought you were asleep.” 

“Your alarm woke me up.” He was groggy and sleep hung in his eyes. 

I climbed out of bed and went to the door. 

“You can sleep if you want. JR doesn’t work until noon.”

“Nah, I’m gonna head home and have breakfast with my ma.” He rolled over onto his back and stretched. “Do you mind if I jump in there and use the bathroom before you get ready?”

“Go ahead.”

He got up and I lay back down. He returned and pulled me back up from my bed. 

“I’m gonna change and jet. Call me later if you want.” 

“I will.”

A passionate kiss was exchanged with no regard whatsoever to morning breath. My shower that morning was so hot it stung my skin. My mind danced around the night I had spent and I smiled as the water cascaded over my face. After toweling off, I quickly finished my morning routine and strode into the bedroom. It was empty and my bed was neatly made. On it was the pajama pants Brandon had worn and my Nirvana shirt. Next to them lay a handwritten note, taken from a scratch pad I kept on my dresser. 

I took the sublime shirt
smells like you 
You are so addictive 

My fingers tapped on my lips while I read and reread the small note. Smiling, I folded it and put it in my wallet. I finished dressing and ran out the door. To this day, I can think of no better way to start a Monday.

Wednesday could not come fast enough. On the train to the Royal, JR was sullen and moody. The guy he had been seeing at work, Josh, had stood him up and was acting indifferently towards him. I felt bad and had tried my best to pull him out of his funk. It was all I could do to get him to go with me. I was an hour late to meet Brandon which made me feel worse. Outside of the club the line was depressingly long. As we walked past the front door the bouncer called out to us.

“Aye” He motioned us forward. “C’mon.” He held the door open and waved us in. This managed to finally bring happiness to JR’s face. He collected our fee, stamped our hands and told us “Have a good time.”

We made our way up the crowded staircase. I spotted Brandon at the top, he waved down to me. I pushed my way up, holding JR’s hand. Upon reaching him I released JR and he walked past us, giving Brandon a weak smile as acknowledgment. We kissed and he tilted his head in the direction JR had walked off to. 

“What’s up with J?”

“He’s in a foul mood. His guy stood him up and is being shady to him.” I added “I’m sorry I’m late but I was talking him into coming with me tonight.”

“You’re here now.” 

We didn’t dance much that night at all. The majority of the evening was spent with us sitting at a table, side by side, talking and sharing more of ourselves with each other. During the course of the evening I spied JR bandaging his pain with a boy of Asian descent. The pair were grinding and making out on the dance floor the whole night. Midnight came and I asked JR to meet outside in fifteen minutes. Brandon and I stood out front smoking as the late night traffic rioted by. I leaned with my back on the wall and Brandon leaned, facing me, with his shoulder on the wall. 

“You took my favorite Sublime shirt.” I teased.

“Sorry.” He smiled “I wear it to bed now.”

“I thought you didn’t sleep with a shirt?” I raised my eyebrow at him.

A leering grin splashed across his face and he kissed me. 

“I want it back sooner or later.” I said as we parted. 

JR stepped out with his characteristic smile. He held up several pieces of papers with names and numbers written on them. Although he had been difficult in his decision to come tonight, it had proved to be for the better. If one man disappointed you there were two more ready to take his place. We gave each other a high five and I turned to Brandon once more.

“I got to get going.”

“I know.” A car honked and grabbed his attention. He watched it past then looked back to me “Can I come by Saturday?”

The gears in my head started turning. Salvador would be flying in tomorrow at 3P.M. and I had asked to take off early so that I could meet him. I figured I would be tied up with him until Saturday morning when he took off at 11A.M. Brandon could come by anytime after 10:30A.M. and it would be smooth sailing. All this went through my mind in an instant.

“Yes, be there at eleven. We can hang out by the pool.”

“Bye, Chulo.” 

We kissed our goodbyes and JR and I made our way back to our quiet complex. Subconsciously I knew it, but I didn’t admit it; bonds were forming, our emotions were spiraling. The human heart is a fickle, unstable compound and we are inexperienced chemists.

I sat on my couch waiting for Salvador’s arrival, watching Judge Judy berate some fool on the television. The day had passed by slowly and I left at two thirty, making it home at two fifty three. Outside it was a cool and breezy day, August was loosening its grip and was beginning to subside in order to make room for autumn. It was the last week in the month, just a few more days until September hit us and with it my birthday and the last day of summer. 

BZZZZZZZ

Salvador had arrived; it was 3:04 P.M. smiling at his punctuality I walked over to greet him and buzz him through.

“Hello?”

“Fredo, it’s Sal. Come downstairs.”

“Be right down.”

The elevator had the aroma of recent cigarette smoke and it hung heavily in the air. It stopped before it reached the lobby floor, to let a woman with a stroller and baby on. I smiled over at her and the baby. She returned the look and kissed here baby on the forehead. The metallic ding sounded as the elevator came to a stop and I waited as the woman pushed her stroller out. She headed over to the mailboxes and started fishing for her keys. Salvador was waiting, reading the community bulletin board, seemingly engrossed in the messages that were posted there. He wore a perfectly fitted gray suit with subtle, almost unnoticeable, black pin striping. An eye-catching red tie sat atop his plain white shirt. His hair was immaculately styled; I noticed he had just a bit of graying around his temples. He noticed me and smiled. His hand reached up to straighten his tie, which was unnecessary because it too was perfect. On his left hand, his pinkie finger, he wore an obscenely large diamond.

“You look gorgeous.” He said as he took me in his arms and pressed his lips to mine. The woman at the mailbox frowned and looked away hastily.

“It’s just my work clothes. I didn’t have time to change.”

“Nonsense. Come on, let’s go.”

“Where?” I asked as he took my hand and started walking.

“I need to get a few new suits.” He informed me, his face was calm and expressionless as we walked out to his truck. “We’re going to Marshall Fields, downtown.”

“Ok, sounds good.” I chirped agreeably. The Marshall Fields store was a place I seldom visited, except around the holidays because I adored their window displays. 

He opened the door for me and waited for me to buckle in before he shut it. I found his courtesy to be amusing. An electronic ringing emanated from his suit and he reached in to fish out a black cell phone. He flipped it open and I could hear an unintelligible voice speaking quickly. He was silent as the voice spoke and his eyes quickly darted to me and then back to the road.

“Not right now. I can’t do anything about it, I’m in Chicago. I’ll have to call you later. Not right now.” He shut his phone and slipped it back inside his suit. He smiled over at me and gave my knee a squeeze. 

“Sorry. A business call.” 

“That’s ok. You could’ve taken it, I wouldn’t have minded at all.” 

“It’s nothing that I can’t handle later.” The cool stony look washed over his face again. He seemed to consider something and then brightened back up. “Next week I’ll be going home and staying there for a week. Have you given any thought to coming down there and staying with me for a week?”

I laughed. I had given it no thought at all.

“No, I didn’t think you were serious. I thought that was just you talking.”

It was his turn to laugh. His laugh was deep and throaty.

“Oh no. I was very serious, Fredo. You should seriously consider it, you would love it there.” His hand stroked my cheek “I would really like for you to come down.”

“In that case I will give it some serious thought.” And I would, I had never traveled further than the Midwestern states and I had yet to see an ocean. The thought of a week on an island in the Atlantic sounded spectacular.

“Good.” He gave me a small smile and turned out onto the tollway.

The store was bustling with activity. People rushed past and customers were congested in the walkways. Salespeople smiled and pulled items from cases for eager hands. We made our way to the men’s department. Salvador walked purposefully to the counter in the suit area and commandeered a clerk to attend to him. After brief discussion the clerk started to take measurements. I was seated in an overstuffed chair watching the process when Salvador looked over at me and said something to the clerk that was inaudible to me. The clerk looked over at me and nodded at Salvador, then got up and went to the counter. He picked up a phone and talked quickly before hanging up. I gave Salvador a puzzled look and he gave me a wink as response. 

In a few minutes a smartly dressed man who appeared to be in his twenties walked over to Salvador and the clerk. They briefly conversed and then all three looked over at me. I felt annoyed that I was obviously being spoken about and yet I was not in the loop. The two clerks strode over to me with matching sales smiles. The clerk who was working with Salvador was short and squat, he spoke to me first.

“Hello, young man. This is Martin and he will take you to the young mens department and help you with your shopping today.” He presented the smart dresser who’d been summoned. 

“Hi, if you’d follow me we can get started.”

I was dumbstruck. 

“Excuse me.” I said politely, getting up and walking over to Salvador. He stood smiling at me.

“Sal” I started “what are you doing?”

“Do you wear suits?” He gave a confused look.

“No. That’s not the point.” I looked over my shoulder at the two clerks who waited patiently.

“Then follow that nice man over to another department and get what you like.” He took off his suit jacket while he spoke “I would feel uncomfortable if you just sat and watched while I tried on suits. Go on, I insist.”

“Sal, I-“ I began.

“Go.” He put his jacket on a hanger and hung it on a rack. “I will see you later.” 

He looked over to the squat clerk and called him back over, dismissing any argument that I had. I turned back to the waiting salesman and walked over to him with an apologetic smile on my face. He game me a firm handshake and led me away. I walked behind him and started to relax. I had someone personally attending to me while I shopped, on someone else’s dime. The clerk spoke as we talked-

“Your father instructed me to be certain you tried on anything before you decided on it.” 

“He’s not my father.” I corrected.

“Oh.” He said curtly and I could see a hint of a grin touch his lips. 

We walked in silence then and I felt intensely awkward. A twinge of irritation wound around me, I felt that he knew Salvador was not my father and he had said such just to make a point. We stopped at a large department and the feeling passed. What did it matter? This chump was waiting on me and I was given the clearance to choose whatever I wanted. The clerk spoke merrily- 

“Would you like to start here?” He motioned to the men’s casuals. I bit my lip at the sea of khakis, pleats and plaids.

“I would rather stick with T-shirts and jeans.” I said directly.

“This way.” He spoke without missing a beat. 

He led me to directly in the middle of a sea of jeans and had me take a seat in another overstuffed chair. Once I was seated, he smiled.

“What’s your size?”

“Uh, thirty two by thirty.” I replied looking at all the shades of denim that surrounded us.

“Is there a particular fit that you prefer?”

“Boot cut or a loose fit. Nothing straight leg or tapered or easy fit.” I sat back then, I was staring to relish this. 

He looked out at the racks and rubbed his hands together. Then he looked back at me one more time.

“Washes?” He asked raising his brows.

I considered for a moment before answering “Please, nothing in a light wash or a stone wash. Darker is better and I like jeans with distressed washes.”.

“Got it.” He spoke quickly now “I’ll return in a moment. If you like you can take a look around while I gather items.”

He floated away with a quick step. I stood up and started flipping through racks and stack of jeans. I found a few I was attracted to but sticker shock made me put them back. I was the kind of person who strictly had a thrift store budget. Perhaps Kohls if I was out to treat myself. Even then I was strict with my spending. These jeans would’ve been my entire shopping budget. I made a mental note to limit myself to three items.

“Would you like to try these on?” The clerk was behind me with an armful of jeans.

“Yes.” 

“Come with me to the fitting room.”

Once we were at the fitting room, the clerk stood outside my door with the clothes. He had handed me one pair to try on an told me to come back out and stand on the pedestal in front of the wraparound mirror. We plowed through the denim he had gathered and I had only taken a liking to one pair. 

“I like these because they slim out my thighs and make my butt look good. Can you bring more like these. They have a nice opening at the bottom, a good flair.”

As I turned in the mirror the clerk eyed me with a speculating eye. 

“Yes, those are very flattering on you. I can find more in that type of style but different looks.” His eyes remained on me. 

In the mirror I could see his reflection and felt his fixated gaze. He looked up at me and my face looking at him in the mirror and quickly walked out. I gave myself a smug look and went back to inspecting myself. I knew I was attractive and I always enjoyed attention that confirmed such. I remained on the pedestal, waiting for the clerk to come back. He returned shortly with a stack of denim that was larger than the first. He smiled politely up at me. I decided to have fun with him and unbuttoned the jeans I had on. His eyes flicked downwards almost involuntarily then caught themselves and found their way back up at me. I gave a small dry smirk and grabbed the jeans that were at the top of the stack and left him standing there holding the remaining clothing. 

We went through two more loads of denim before I settled on four that I liked. After we were done there the clerk took me to find shirts. I had him bring enough shirts to fill a truck. The array was endless, the vast styles and fits were overwhelming. I was in and out of the fitting room, constantly swapping shirts with the different shirts I pants I had chosen. I lingered on one set and admired myself in the mirror. A fetching pair of boot cut jeans in a dark wash, on the verge of black and a Diesel shirt. I turned to get a side profile and was extremely pleased. Glancing over at the expression the clerk had as he attempted to discreetly eye me, I could see that I wasn’t the only one happy with the outfit. 

“You know what would be fantastic?” I asked. 

He looked to me expectantly.

“Shoes. Could you bring me a few pairs of white shoes and some shoes in whatever styles you think would be nice. Use your best judgment.” 

“What size?”

Ten please. Ten and a half if the sizing runs small.”

“Give me just a few minutes.” He set his armload of clothes down and disappeared. 

My previously set limit of three items had quickly been disregarded. I went to the pile he had set down and started my tally. I had four pairs of pants and 8 shirts, not counting the one I was currently wearing. I debated for a moment and decided I needed belts too. There were racks of belts just outside so I went browsing through them and settled on two. A black belt with silver studs and a plain, soft leather brown belt. As I was laying them on the heap of clothes, the clerk returned with another salesperson, each carrying four boxes of shoes. The new clerk smiled, set his boxes down and left. 

“There are three white pairs and I took the liberty of bringing a few different colors and styles I thought would work very well with what you have chosen in clothing.” He picked up a box and opened it for me. 

I gave no response and instead went straight to trying on the various shoes he had collected for me. Every last pair received careful consideration. Ultimately I decided on a white pair of Diesel shoes, because I had always desired a pair and these were stunning. A pair of gray and black Steve Maddens had also been deemed to beautiful not to find a home. I was wearing a pair of white LaCoste shoes with accents of green, unable to decide on them. I had started feeling guilty for shopping as if I were the one getting the bill. 

“I don’t know about these shoes.” I told the clerk. “Let’s take one more run through on what I have in the pile and sort out what I really like.”

“Ok. Let me start separating them.” He replied cheerfully. 

“Just ring it all up.” Salvador’s voice boomed out from behind us, startling us.

I shook my head. “Sal, it’s way too much. I went overboard.”

Salvador took my hand and turned me slowly, his mouth and eyes smiling.

“If it all fits the way these do, then you should get it all.”

I beamed up at him. He made me feel special. It was a exciting to have someone dote on me with such fervor. I felt that he found me especially attractive and desirable. Like I deserved it all. 

“Thank you, Sal.”

“I’m happy to.” His handsome face softened and he put his hand on the small of my back.

The clerk had been standing to the right of us. While we spoke he kept eyeing me and now, without any discretion, he stared at my rear end. Salvador’s face turned from mine and I followed his eyes to the clerk. He was oblivious to our gaze and kept his eyes fixed on my ass. Salvador’s smile vanished and in an instant a cold, firm expression took its place. The hand that was on my back removed itself and it waved slowly. The clerk caught himself and looked to us with an embarrassed grin.

“I asked for this to be rung up. Why are you still standing here?” Salvador’s voice was monotone and harsh. 

The salesman’s grin melted away and he hurriedly started gathering clothing and shoes. He stopped a moment to ask me a question.

“Will you be wearing that out?”

“Yes, he will.” Salvador answered before I could even open my mouth.

The clerk left without another word and Salvador watched him walk out with an intense stare. What should’ve set off warning bells instead gave me a feeling of pleasure. I enjoyed a little possessiveness and jealousy in man. It made me believe that they cared more than usual. What a fool I was. So blind to what was staring me in the face. The trap was being set and I was walking right into it, taking the bait like a hungry mouse that’s oblivious to the spring loaded metal poised to snap its neck.

Salvador looked back to me, his face had no trace of the anger that had flashed there a moment ago. Instead he was wearing a winning smile. 

“Take the tags off of those clothes and wait for by the escalator for me.”

Happily obliging I made quick work of the tags and strode of to the escalator in an exemplary mood. Feeling confident and satisfied, I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face had I wanted to. I looked out on the floor below me, scanning the faces of passerby. I heard the sound of footfall behind me. It was Salvador with 5 large covered suit hangers, the stores logo emblazoned across the front. Accompanying him was the clerk who had attended to me. His face was cowed and he would not bring his eyes to meet mine. He carried 4 large bags which he handed over to me.

“Have a good evening.” He said kindly. 

“Thank you. You too.” I replied, taking the bags eagerly. 

Salvador kept his eyes fixed on me, a slight smile on his face and didn’t say a word to him. The clerk walked away briskly, the sound of his dress shoes making a steady rhythm on the tiled floor. 

“We should hurry.” Salvador spoke to me in an affectionate tone. “I have reservations at my favorite steakhouse. The traffic will be heavy. We should have left a half hour ago.”

“Let’s go. Thank you again for all of this.” I moved forward and touched his lips with mine. 

“I told you I could be good to you.”

We made our way quickly to the car and Salvador started speeding through city streets. The truck wove it’s way through familiar northern neighborhoods, the traffic was heavy but Salvador seemed to know how to bypass it all. We pulled up to a large building, apartments located above two small storefronts. One was a small restaurant and Salvador pulled through an alley to the parking in the rear. He turned off the car and started to open the door. I grabbed his hand as he had started to let himself out.

“Thank you. You make me feel really special and I appreciate that.”

“You don’t have to thank me. You should feel special. I think you’re one of a kind.”

His words made my heart skip and I grabbed his face and kissed him forcefully. He was startled at first by my forward move but he quickly recovered. We remained in the car, in a zealous embrace for an extended amount of time. I separated first and he backed up with his half open.

“Let’s go in.” He stood and his excitement was obvious. 

I smiled, my eyes drawn to it. He looked down and whirled around, his back to me, and adjusted himself. We walked around front and he held the door for me as we walked in. At the front door was a podium at which a hostess and what appeared to be manager, were engaged in a conversation. When we walked in the managers face registered recognition and he smiled and called out to Salvador.

“Salvador! I hold your table for you! It’s good to see you, my old friend.”

I couldn’t quite make out the accent that dominated his voice. He was a tall man with a full head of hair of that was mostly gray. A crooked smile decorated his mouth but his smile was warm.

Salvador and the man exchanged hugs. When they were close I could see Salvador whisper something to the man. Something that made his smile falter and whisper back rapidly. They exchanged small nods. Salvador introduced me his new friend and I was told his name was Carl. We were seated at a small table with a pristine white table cloth and freshly polished flatware. Salvador ordered Vodka on ice and when I ordered a gin and tonic, there was never a question as to my age or if I had an ID. 

He held my hand across the table at every chance he could get. We talked at length about my work week and the stress of new, higher goals that had been put in place at the center. Our salads had arrived when Salvador’s cell phone sounded for his attention. He pulled in one swift, fluid movement. His eyes scanned the number and the front and his face rumpled in what looked like annoyance. 

“Excuse me.” He said quickly and walked out of the restaurant. 

I watched him through the front windows. He spoke with a stern face. His free hand moved excitedly. He stopped suddenly and took survey of the area around him and moved quickly out of sight of the front windows. Curiosity made me cluck my tongue. I sipped my drink and ate slowly, glancing at the clock every few minutes. Across from his salad sat, untouched. Twenty minutes passed before he returned to the table. When he arrived his face was red and he was disconnected.

“Is everything ok? Where did you go?” I asked, laying my hand on his arm.

“I went to the truck. It was business.” He moved his arm as he pushed his salad plate away. “After dinner I have to drop you off at home. There are issues that need my attention tonight.”

He finished off his drink in one gulp and motioned for another from the bartender at the front of the restaurant. I was uncomfortable in the uneasy silence that lingered. Our meals arrived and we both ate quickly. After finishing he stood up and I followed his lead. We walked towards the front and he waved goodbye to the man I knew as Carl. Carl wished us a goodnight and we walked out into the night. No one had mentioned that meal was unpaid for. 

“Sal, we didn’t get the check.” I said walking quickly behind him.

“He can’t take my money.” His response was abrupt and nonchalant. “Don’t worry about that.”

The truck sped down the toll way back to my home. It was silent for the first ten minutes of our ride. I sat with my hands in my lap, disappointed with how our evening had begun to end. I stared out of the passenger side window, inspecting the vehicles that we passed. Then Salvador took one of my hands in his.

“I’m sorry tonight had to end so early. I wanted to spend more time with you but you understand I have things I need to take care of.” His voice was pleading “Don’t be upset.”

“No I’m not upset with you!” I squeezed his hand firmly. “I’m sorry we couldn’t spend more time together too.”

He seemed satisfied and settled back with a smile. I leaned over and gave him a few soft pecks on the cheek. In return he lifted my hand and kissed it.

“Can we try dinner again tomorrow?”

“Of course.

We arrived in front of the apartment complex in another ten minutes and he helped me gather my bags from the enclosed bed of the truck. He walked me to the lobby and opened the door me.

“Sorry again, gorgeous. I have to run back to the Hilton and drop my suits off and I’m already pressed for time.”

I dropped my bags and wrapped my arms around him, attacking him with my lips again. He responded eagerly, running his hands over me furtively. I was pulling gently on his tie when he backed away.

“I have to go. Another time.” He winked and breezed out of the door. 

I watched him walk purposefully down the walk, straightening his hair, which had been mussed. Once in the car, he waved and took off quickly. I had a strong physical attraction for him. His polished and professional appearance was very alluring. I sighed and picked up my bags and went upstairs. I walked through the door and I could hear JR in the kitchen rattling away on the phone. At the sound of the door closing I could hear him say he would call back in a minute.

“Bitch, is that you?” His voice rang out in a clear falsetto.

“Yep.”

I walked into the kitchen with my bags and his mouth dropped. His was the look of envy.

“He fuckin’ took you shoppin’?!”

“Yeah! Can you believe it?” I exclaimed.

“You make me sick to my stomach, bitch.” He replied and took the bags from my hands. He started rifling through the bags and oohing and ahhhing over what he found.

“This shit is not cheap.” He looked up at me with eyes as big as saucers. “How much was it all.”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t around when he paid.” I shrugged and went to the fridge to pour myself some milk. 

He raced off to the bedroom, leaving a mess of clothes on the living room carpet. When he returned he had a calculator in hand. Handing it to me, he started picking up clothing.

“You add it up while I read it out.” 

I laughed loudly, partly because I felt guilty over having gotten so much.

“Why? That’s wrong, don’t you think?”

“Bitch, get over it.” He looked at me impatiently with his hand on his hip.

We ran through each item, sometimes pausing to talk about how much we enjoyed a particular piece. After it had all been tallied, I stared at the number, unable to form words.

“Well?” JR said slapping my knee.

“Nine hundred eighty three dollars and sixty four cents. Not including tax.” 

JRs hands covered his mouth and he went back to staring at the clothes. Silence filled the room, for a long time the only sound was the clock ticking in the living room. In one afternoon I had acquired more in clothing than I made in two weeks of working full time. It was unreal to me that someone could just drop nearly a thousand dollars in clothing in less than 3 hours. I felt selfish and I was hit the urge to put it all of it out of sight. Getting down on my knees I started to grab clothing and throw it in bags.

“What are you doing?” JR asked me.

“I’m going to put them away.” 

“Aren’t you gonna put them on so I can see how they look?”

He wore a half-smile on his face and I relaxed.
I put on an impromptu fashion show for him that night. He applauded and spoke into the television remote, using it like a microphone as if he were an announcer, describing each look. After we had exhausted ourselves with laughter I changed into my pajamas and we settled out onto the balcony to smoke cigarettes.

“So y’all are going out tomorrow night too? 

“Yes, after I get home from work.” I explained how our night was cut short and how we were to have a better dinner date tomorrow. 

“That’s weird that he just had to rush out for work so late.” JR flicked his cigarette butt over the balcony. “Oh, your boy called while you were out.”

I dropped my cigarette over the side, watching it free fall to the lawn below. Thoughts of the night Brandon and I shared flooded my memory. Along with it came guilt.

“Brandon?”

“I told him you was at your moms house.” He yawned and continued “He said to call him when you get back in. It don’t matter what time it is. But wait to call because I have a phone call to make.”

“That’s cool, I want to take a shower.”

After my shower I lay on the couch watching television. JR had went into the bedroom and closed the door. I could hear flirtatious laughter and I knew it would be some time before I could get the phone. It was eleven thirty by the time the phone had made it into my hands. I dialed the number by memory (I had not memorized Salvador’s number) and listened to the ringing. 

“How’s your mom doing?” He sounded happy but there was a sleepy quality to his voice as well. 

“She was good. I just went for dinner. I would’ve called you sooner but JR was on the phone. You sound sleepy.” I was shooting off at the mouth, grimacing at the lies I just told. Lying to a boy I liked so much, I felt shitty.

“I was in bed. I work early tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry.” I meant it in more ways than one.

“Nah, I wanted you to call me. You can call me anytime, day or night. I’m here for you.”

I needed a cigarette.

“You’re the shit, Brandon. I’ll let you go to bed. I have to get to bed too.”

“We still on for Saturday?” 

“I’ve been looking forward to it.” That was the truth. 

“Me too. Later Chulo.” 

“Bye.”

I hung up and went for a cigarette. It was quiet in the complex, only crickets spoke to one another in the humid night. My mind raced between Brandon, Salvador and the situation I was getting myself into. It would’ve been easier if I didn’t have a conscience. I stared at my cigarette, watching it slowly burn down to the filter.

“Godammit.” I whispered, flicking it out into the night.
************************************************************************

The next day I was on edge at work. I had barely slept the night before, lying awake in the cool dark of my room as JR softly snored in his bed. As eager as I was to finish my shift I was just as guilt-ridden and continued to berate myself. The house was empty when I arrived home, JR was working a late shift and I probably wouldn’t see him until after midnight. It was six and Salvador would be here in fifteen minutes. My shower and prep time was done phenomenally fast and I was slipping into a new pair of shoes as he arrived. I met him downstairs and we left for dinner.

We went out for seafood at a Chicago crab house. Salvador picked up on my less than stellar mood so he was more complimentary than usual. 

“Are you feeling well tonight?” He set down his vodka and took my hand.

“Yes, I just didn’t get much sleep tonight and work is stressing me out.”

“A week in the keys would make you feel better and take that stress away.”

I gave him a small laugh “I’ll think about it.”

His hand slid away from mine and back to his vodka. His index finger played with water droplets on the glass. 

“How about you come down in the second week of September?” He lifted his vodka to his lips and took a drink. “I can take that week off from work.”

In my mind I pictured a week on a boat, snorkeling and laying on the beach. A week with this man straight out of GQ. A week away from my dull life. I liked the idea and I started feeling better for the first time that day.

“That would be a week from now.” I protested. 

Salvador grinned and nodded eagerly. 

“I’ll check and see if I can have the time off and I’ll let you know either Monday or Tuesday.” 

I hadn’t taken a vacation in the year and a half I’d been working at the loan center so I really didn’t think it was going to be a problem. I just needed more time to mull it over. 

“Terrific.” Salvador finished off the last of his drink.

We finished our dinner and I was in high spirits once again. Salvador insisted we take a stroll along lakeshore drive so we did exactly that. Holding my hand, he told me stories about him and his brother when they were growing up. We would pause often to embrace and it felt good to be in his arms. A chilly wind blew in from the lake and we headed back to his truck to leave. The digital clock in the dash read 9:47. 

“Where to now?” Salvador asked as he pulled away from the curb. 

“Would you mind taking me back to my house. I’d actually like to make it an early night.”

“Whatever you say.” 

The truck pulled up to the front of the complex and as he usually did, Salvador walked me in. This time however he walked up to my door and I invited him for a moment. Once the front door shut we were all over each other. The phone started ringing and it stopped us, we stood breathing heavily by the front door. The machine picked up the call but an empty dial tone echoed out from the speaker.

“Ok Sal, I’m going to call it night now.” I ran my hands through his thick hair.

“I’ll see you in the morning before I take off.” He leaned in for one more round and I happily obliged. 

He left and I took seat on the couch, knees pulled to my chest, and started watching television. It couldn’t hold my attention and my mind drifted off to thoughts of Salvador. His strong, perpetually clean shaven face. His strong hands and his deep laugh. An antsy feeling made me start biting my nails. I hit the button on the remote to conjure up the current time – 11:06. I took one last nibble on my nails and threw the remote down on the couch. I grabbed my keys and dashed out the front door. In the hallway I opted for the stairs instead of the elevator, taking two and three at a time. My car started up noisily and I made my way through mostly empty streets and onto the toll way. 

The clock on the wall of the Hilton Hotel said it was 11:38 when walked inside. I stopped at the front desk and gave the clerk Salvadors name and she informed that I would need to go to room 442 to find him. I thanked her and wished her a goodnight. The elevator was fast and within two minutes I was at the door, knocking lightly. Salvador opened the door, he was in a tight, white pair of boxer briefs and an unbuttoned dress shirt. Behind him I could see his laptop on the desk was open and a can of soda sitting next to it. He wore an expression of disbelief.

“Fredo?”

I hungrily went for his lips, my hands slipping the shirt off of his shoulders. The door closed behind us with a loud click.

The room was almost completely dark that night. I lay in bed next to Salvador as he slept deeply. I was biting the nails on the other hand now. The sex was fun but not what I had thought it was going to be. There was something missing. Affection. I felt no special connection and he seemed so rushed to finally get down to it. After it was done there was no caressing or pillow talk, it was more of a roll over and sleep type of deal. Even now he slept on the other side of the bed, no part of him touching me. It was a far cry from the night Brandon and I had spent together and there hadn’t been sex that night! I wondered what it might mean. I didn’t sleep very well for the second night in a row.

When sleep eventually did come, it was fitful and I awoke constantly. It was just a few minutes before six as I got up and started dressing. In the stark light of the bathroom, I splashed some cold water on my face and relieved myself. I started debating as to whether or not to head home or wait around. I decided to go home. Salvador was still sleeping soundly as I approached him. His muscular, bronzed chest rose and fell with every breath. Even in sleep, his face retained its cover model stoic expression. I woke him with a gentle squeeze on his shoulder and a hushed whisper.

“Sal?”

His eyes fluttered open and he looked around, disoriented from his slumber. His eyes focused on me. 

“Huh? What’s the matter? What’s wrong?”

“Nothings wrong.” I assured “I can’t sleep so I’m going to take off.”

He sniffled and his eyes opened fully.

“What time is it?”

“Quarter after six.”

“I’ll be over at eight.”

“You don’t have to come over, Sal.” I’d been hoping he wouldn’t, then perhaps I could get an early morning nap in. And I wasn’t feeling so great about what had happened between us.

“I want to and I have something for you. See you later, honey.”

He rolled over and was quiet. Apparently I had no say in the matter. I closed the room door softly and made my way out into the early morning light. It was relatively quiet at the airport and the traffic was almost non-existent. It only took twenty minutes to get home and when I arrived JR was still sleeping. I took my time showering, soaping up to a full lather. As the hot water came down, I leaned against the shower wall and closed my eyes. It was too late to go back to bed but I was exhausted. In the bedroom I dressed as quietly as I could but my closet light woke JR. He came to with a smile on his face.

“Was it Sal?” He sat up in his bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

I smiled at him and pulled my shirt down over me.

“Yes.”

JR yawned and outstretched is long arms. 

“How was it?”

I walked over and sat on the foot of his bed, considering it moment. 

“It was good. But it was just sex.”

A puzzled look came over his face.

“Ok. What’s wrong with that?”

I shrugged “Nothing.” 

He knew when something was bothering me and leaned in towards me. His eyes look concerned and his voice grew serious.

“What did you want it be?”

I turned my head from him and stared at my bed, still neat and made. I ran my tongue over my teeth and thought how foolish I was to expect anything more from a man I was just getting to know. It was embarrassing and all I wanted to do was crawl into that neatly made bed and fall asleep under its cool, clean sheets. I looked back to JR.

“I don’t know. It was good.”

JR rolled his eyes and pulled himself from his bed. Standing up, he stretched once more.

“It don’t gotta be love. Sometimes girl, it is just sex.” His voice sounded exasperated.

“I know that.” I felt defensive, only because I knew he was right and I felt stupid. “I just wanted a connection.”

He walked off towards the bathroom. 

“Sometimes it’s just sex.” He called out.

Salvador arrived promptly at eight while JR was still in the shower. He came in with his suit jacket slung over one arm and a bag filled with muffins in the other. When he gave me a kiss in greeting, it was not like before. There was no passion to it. It was quick and rushed. I brushed it off but a small voice in the back of my head started to mock me. 

“I was going to make omelets. What do you want in yours?”

He set down his jacket and the bag on the kitchen table. I poured a glass of orange juice for him and handed it to him. 

“Nothing. I have to run soon and catch my plane.” He drank thirstily and managed to empty half of his glass. “Why did you leave this morning?”

I didn’t want him to see my face so I concentrated on cracking eggs as if it were a complex math problem. 

“Just couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to lay there.”

“I would’ve preferred you had stayed.” His voice was firm enough to grab my attention and I looked over at him. “Please don’t do that.”

“Sorry.” I averted my eyes to the linoleum floor.

His face worked into a smile and he strode over to me. His arms enveloped me and I put my hands on his biceps. He landed a few soft kisses on my cheek.

“If you have a hard time sleeping, next time I’ll just stay here, with you.”

I hugged him so he wouldn’t see me frown. I didn’t care for the tone he had taken with me and I certainly didn’t care for him inviting himself to stay with me. Because I was spineless, I said nothing. And I have to admit, after witnessing how he could be towards some people; I was a bit intimidated by him. Even then my subconscious could see sense the bars going up around me. He released me and held my hands.

“Walk me out, gorgeous. I have to go.”

He slipped on his jacket and I walked him out to the main hallway. Out in the hallway, he checked his watch and hugged me firmly. I felt a hand slip into my back pocket and remain there.

“I’ll be gone for almost a month” he whispered in my ear “I want to make sure you’re taken care of while I’m away. Let me know about you coming to the keys. I won’t be coming up here because I want to spend some time at home.” 

The hand in my pocket gave me a squeeze and found it’s way back out. I knew what it was before he had even said a word. God help me, I found myself happy with it. My own greed was helping to put those bars up, helping to construct my prison.

He gave me a brief kiss. “Bye, gorgeous.”

“Bye Sal.”

Inside, JR had picked up with breakfast where I had left off. A half-eaten muffin was on the counter next to him. The stereo in the bedroom cooed softly. 

“Did he leave already? I didn’t even say hi.” He flipped the eggs in the skillet. 

I said nothing. Instead I reached into my back pocket, pulling out the cash that was waiting for me. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I lay each bill out as I counted them. All eight of them. Eight Benjamin Franklins smiled judiciously up at me. 

JR pulled the pan from the flame and set it on a cold burner. He crossed his arms, staring at the money. 

“What the fuck is going on?” His eyes shrinking into slits. 

I reached into the bag of muffins and pulled one out that was of the banana nut variety. 

“Said he wants to make sure I’m taken care of cause he’ll be gone for a while.” I took an absent minded bite of the muffin I held. 

JR opened his mouth to say something but shut it quickly. He frowned and turned his back to me, resuming cooking. He spoke without looking at me.

“The shit’s fucking weird, girl. Like he’s buyin’ your time and shit.”

“Don’t say that!” I was offended. “I don’t like where you’re going with it.”

“How else you want me to say it? Don’t get mad, girl.” 

I didn’t answer. Eating slowly, I stared at the paper that lined the table in two neat rows. The benefits from my relationship were tangible and lucrative. It all seemed so win-win for me. A handsome man to date, who happened to enjoy giving me cash and clothes; combine that with good, empty sex and what more could you ask for? I refused to acknowledge the gnawing feeling that something was wrong this picture. 

JR served up our eggs and our conversation turned to lighter matters. 
************************************************************************

Brandon arrived as planned and the three of us headed down to the pool. JR and I lay on lounges in the early afternoon sun, cooking slowly. A single mother who lived down the hall from us was there and struck a conversation with us. Her 5 year old daughter took a liking to Brandon and he sat on the edge of the pool as she would jump in screeching with delight. They had made a game of it and once she was in she would splash about, calling for help and he would reach in for her and pull her back out, laughing. I liked seeing this, I have always wanted children of my own. Looking at Brandon play with her made me picture him as a father. After we had broiled for a sufficient amount of time we retreated to the air conditioned apartment and vegged out to the television. When the sun had set, I offered to treat us all to dinner.

“You guys want to go to Olive Garden for dinner? I’ll buy”

“Ok, moneybags.” Brandon laughed “You just get paid?”

JR threw me a sideways glance. He knew I was terrible liar and he waited for my response.

“Overtime.” I replied quickly and smiled. There was the guilt again.

Dinner was pleasant, full of jokes and casual conversation. On more than one occasion Brandon would take my hand and smile at me. His hand felt hot in mine and I suppressed the terrible feeling that struck me whenever he did this. I didn’t like what I was doing and I hated myself for doing it to Brandon. His affection was genuine and it came with no strings attached. He was an honest man with sincere motives and he had idea how reckless I was being with him, or how I was gambling with his feelings. In the middle of dinner, Brandon excused himself from the table. As he walked away, JR set his fork down and looked me squarely in the eyes.

“He really likes you.”

“Yeah he does.” I said smiling fondly in the direction Brandon had walked away to.

“Maybe you should start thinking about what you’re gonna do.”

I returned his stare. 

“What do you suggest I do?”

He backed off bit, sensing the biting quality to my tone.

“This is gonna be a mess.” He took a quick look around; making sure Brandon was not headed back. “And whatever the fuck Salvador is scheming, I don’t like it.”

I mounted an all out defense “I think you’re fucking jealous.” I hissed the words at him.

His face contorted into a flash of anger, “I’m not jealous you dumb bitch. I’m fuckin’ look out for your ass. You’ve have a good thing started with Brandon and there’s something that’s not cool with Sal. You know it too.”

His eyes scanned the restaurant again before he continued. 

“You know I’m all about playin’ the game, but this is different, you know it’s different. You need to fuckin’ think about this shit a minute, you need to fuckin’ think about why he gives you that money.”

“If it was you, you’d have three more guys in the rotation and you’d be gloating at me with the money. So fuck off with this.” I regretted saying it instantly. JR may have had a lax attitude towards sex and men but he did not like anyone calling, insinuating or making him feel like he was loose. It was a sore spot that quickly angered him every time. 

Instead of rage over my comment, he looked calm and sat back in his chair.

“You know it’s wrong. That’s why you’re gonna talk to me like that and try to make me feel like shit, so I’ll shut up.” He picked up his fork again “Your man’s coming back.”

Brandon approached and took his seat. JR and I gave him identically sweet smiles and his eyes looked from me to JR and back again. He spoke with good cheer-

“Were y’all talking about me?”

“No.” I laughed and grabbed his hand.

“Maybe just a little.” JR said, before he took a forkful of chicken.

After dinner we headed back to the apartment. I didn’t feel like sitting around so I suggested a movie. JR declined, claiming he just wanted to stay on the couch. I knew the secret confrontation we had was bothering him as it was me. Brandon was all for it but he offered to pay seeing as how I had picked up the dinner tab. We sat in the darkened theater, holding hands and making jokes, snickering to ourselves. The spark between us was definite, something Salvador and I lacked. It was one key element that was missing to the mix.

On the way home, Brandon asked me to take him to the train station.

“It’s getting late.” He said looking at his cell phone.

“Stay with me tonight?” I asked. I searched his eyes.

“Yeah.” He replied with a growing smile.

That night we did more than just play. I did it not because I wanted the sex, but because I wanted him to feel how strongly I was beginning to care. I did it because I wanted to assuage my guilt. I wanted to forget what I was doing. I wanted to forget the conversation I had with my best friend. Our session was slow and we took our time enjoying the sensations. Afterwards we lay, entwined in each other, speaking softly to each other. My head was tucked under his chin, my face in his chest. When he spoke, his deep voice rumbled in my small sanctuary.

“I think I’m liking you too much.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I think about you all the time. I like it when we spend our time together.”

“It’s good to know you feel that way. I feel that way too.” I shut my eyes tightly, willing my guilt to go away. 

“I like your style too, you got it going on. You make it easy to be comfortable around you.” He started rubbing his lips gently across my forehead. “I just like being with you.”

His breath was warm on my skin. I could feel his fingertips tracing lines between my shoulder blades. 

“You’re so much more than I thought you would be,” I said “bigger.”

“Thanks.” He replied teasingly.

“That’s not what I meant!” I said, poking his stomach.

He laughed softly.

“I know. I’m all about you lately.”

I kissed his chest “That’s good. Will you bring me back my sublime shirt?”

More laugher, He kissed my forehead. “Maybe. We got time, I’ll be around for a while.”

 I felt connected and it felt special. His scent filled the air in my lungs; I couldn’t get enough of it. What he said, struck me; I wanted him around for a while. I slipped into unconsciousness, tangled in the limbs of the innocent party.

How to meet a man at - The Library

There are many singles out there trying to meet a man. Sure you have resources like online dating or matchmaking, your friends and (ugh) your mother. But nothing beats the sense of satisfaction that you get by reeling your own guy in. As a public service, I have compiled different ways to meet men in different scenarios and locations. Years of meticulous research and first hand experience are at your disposal with my handy guide!

How to meet a man at the library

Many people overlook the library as a potential source of dating material. Au contrair! The types of men at the library are exactly the type of men you want to meet. They are smart, interested in  expanding their  horizons and dependable. Truly, the library is a  goldmine of untapped possibilities. Let's take a look at some tried and true ways to meet men.

 

- Drop something. A book, a pencil, whatever. Example: You see your target reading a book, so you turn with your back to him and drop your item. The target will at first look up to observe your clumsiness but instead get a view of that ass. If you are a woman with a great rack you can drop the item without turning around as long as you are wearing a loose, low-cut shirt. Works like magic for getting attention and a smile. 

- The Doggy Search. A technique not for the faint of heart. Example: You are in the stacks when a guy you are interested in isthe same stack you are. Optimal! You pretend that you are looking for a book on the very bottom shelf and get on your hands and knees to look for it. Make much groaning and sighing as you are down there, but try not to ham it up. Your target will notice you right away. Now’s your chance! BONUS: Ladies can wear loose, low cut-shirts as mentioned in the first tip, and score additional attention.

- Squeeze in. Close contact is a must with this one. Example: You see your target in the stacks and you head to where they are at and pretend to search for a book in the same section they are in. If you are very daring you will go to the same shelf they are on. This practically lends itself to conversation. Tie in either technique number 1 or 2 for added zest. Warning!! – If they are looking at books on subjects you know nothing about i.e. advanced aeronautical physics, complex equations, you may have to fake your way through conversation.

- The sit and burn. One of the easiest techniques to employ. Example: Your target is sitting in a chair off to the side or at a table. You take the seat either directly opposite or next to them and seat yourself as if to read. Get their attention by rubbing your neck with a free hand, or playing with the front of your shirt or even rubbing your thigh.  Be creative!

- Scan trouble. Easy to use and works like a charm. Example: You see a target at the book checkout and you take the scanner next to them. You make it seem as if you are having trouble scanning either your library card or book or whatever and ask for their help. They will oblige 99.9% of the time and this opens up a way in. Thank them for their help and softly stroke their arm while doing so. Voila! 

- Direct hit. Only if you are feeling very brazen. Example – You spot your target with book in hand and you walk by nonchalantly and say you found the book very ___. You fill in the blank. Only use this approach if you have actually read the book or know what it is you are talking about, you wouldn't want to look like an idiot.

 Try mixing and matching all the techniques above to ensure your success!

*KEEP IN MIND*

Practice caution when dating a librarian or library employee. If you burn them , be fully prepared to deal with mysterious holds and fines popping up on your account. 

Don't over do it!  Learn to pace yourself lest you be branded a "Library Whore" at which point you will be forced to go to a different branch to escape the stigma. 

I fully advise on visiting different branches so that you are casting a wider net.  And it gives people time to forget who you are.

This guide is not endorsed by the Public Library System.

KEYS - Chapter 3

Chapter 3
Sowing the seeds

“He’s too old.” Clara said flatly. Her skinny fingers wound through her hair, wrapping it up in her trademark bun. Clara was 2 years younger than I, but always seemed to have a more rational mind. She had been a friend since high school and was someone I considered to be extremely trustworthy and one whom I would do anything for. 

“It’s not like I’m going to marry him.” I started feeling annoyed. All of my friends had, without fail, mentioned that they did not care for the age difference. “Dating an older man has always appealed to me. They’re more mature and cultured than the fags I meet at Royal.” Royal was the teeny bopper nightclub that gay youth went to in downtown Chicago. It was more of a party than a nightclub but it drew a mass of young people every Wednesday. Everyone was under 21, everyone was snotty. To me, it was basically a prep school for gay youth that taught you how to be a self-centered, narcissistic queen as an adult. There has always been a feeling that I never quite fit in with the stereotypical gay man ideal. I don’t care much for the throbbing techno music, muscle shirts and the seemingly endless casual encounters that seemingly were a prerequisite for being gay. 

“What the fuck is wrong with this guy that he is trying to get with you?” Her question stung like an open-handed slap. “Why doesn’t he find a guy his own age? 

“I didn’t want a lecture, Clara.” I was on the defensive now. I knew she wasn’t attacking me personally, but I didn’t want to feel that I had to explain my actions. “We had a good time and I’m going to see him again. We actually had conversation that didn’t revolve solely around him or Madonna.”

“That is a plus” Clara said through muffled lips as she lit up a joint “but you know you can find that in someone your age too.” She exhaled a long gusty breath then passed to me. “I know you’re going to do whatever the fuck you want. I’ll still be here, no matter what.”

I looked out of my bedroom window and blew my smoke out of it. It crept slowly out into the summer night. Crickets mixed with the sounds of children at the playground worked their way up to us. Can you remember how simple it was being that young? When all you needed was a warm summer and a tire swing to keep you happy. Simplicity is lost with the coming of adulthood. It’s a gradual process, but it hits you suddenly. Hope you enjoyed it while you had the chance. All we have left are fragments, made glossy by memory. 

“He will be here next week.” My words paused a moment “Do you want to meet him?”

The pause was enough for Clara to pick up on. “Not if you don’t want me to meet him.” She studied me carefully “I’m not going to be shady to him if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I know you wouldn’t be.” 

The front door opened and shut and we could hear JR setting his keys on the kitchen table. “I hate working at Sonic” he announced “I don’t even like tater tots anymore.”

“Come smoke with us” I called out to him from the bedroom “Clara is here.”

He sauntered into the bedroom smiling a million dollar smile. “Hi bitch.” Clara stood up and they exchanged hugs. JR took the joint from Clara and inhaled deeply. He handed it to me and started undressing. “If y’all don’t wanna see me in my panties y’alls better look the other way.”

“We’ve seen everything you got.” I joked. Clara started giggling and covering her eyes. Truth be told, we had seen more of JR than we had cared to in prior instances. Because of his fondness for daisy dukes and panties, it did happen that from time to time, JR’s balls would make a surprise appearance. When this happened it was hysterical for everyone involved but JR. He would be deeply embarrassed and apologize profusely; however it never stopped him from wearing the unreliable garments. 

“What have y’all been doing?” he asked, ignoring my remark.

“Talking about Fredo’s new old boyfriend.” Clara answered “But you can only say supportive things because he’s not even trying to hear anything else.”

“You know that bitch can be hard-headed sometimes.” JR said slipping into a tight T-shirt and track shorts. 

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here, bitches.” I got up and walked to the bedroom door “I’m going to make some dinner.”

JR put the joint out on his nightstand ashtray and put the roach into the stash box he had in his dresser. “What are you making?”

“Yeah, I’m starving.” Clara said as she got up from my bed. She turned and looked into the mirror hanging on my wall. Clara was a tall mulatto girl that was gorgeous in every sense of the word. Boys would drool over Clara, but she always seemed indifferent to it. She was so nonplussed by her beauty that when the Ford Agency had extended an interview with them she opted against it. To Clara, beauty was something unimportant and not something she was looking to make money on. JR and I had shown more excitement when her mother had dragged her to modeling auditions. She backed out of all of it and never thought twice about them.

“Hamburger Helper or we can have tacos.” There wasn’t much to choose from in the house. JR and I barely could cover rent on our one bedroom apartment so steak was not on the menu very often.

“Ugh, I’m just going home and eating there.” Clara said disdainfully. 

“Tacos are good, girl.” JR grinned happily at her. 

“I know, I’m just not in the mood for them.” 

I walked Clara to the door as JR made his way to the couch and snapped on the television. The sound of Pat Sajak’s voice filled the living room. Clara grabbed her purse from the hall closet then turned to face me. 

“You know I’m just looking out for you, right?” Her eyes softened and she made a tight lipped smile. “I just want you to be careful. You don’t know this guy or anything.”

“I would have to be careful with any guy I meet.” 

“But with this guy be especially careful. He’s an older guy, you know? And you’re still naïve.”

I was indignant “I’m smart and I know how to care of myself. We’ve only been out once.”

“But you’re still naïve.” Clara said. She hugged me then and opened the front door. “Call me tomorrow and maybe we can go to the Royal. Hook you up with someone naïve.”

I relaxed and hugged her again. “Ok but I’m not driving, let’s take the sub.”

“Later.”

“Bye, Clara.” I watched her walk down to the elevator and waited until it came up. She waved to me as she stepped in. I locked the door and walked to the kitchen. JR was sprawled out on the couch, zoning out to the multi-colored spinning wheel on the television. I decided on tacos and I started to pull out my pans. I enjoyed cooking; it was a time that I could be alone with my thoughts. While the meat browned, I started cutting tomatoes and onions, thinking about what Clara had told me. I knew to be cautious but I was cautious with everyone, cautious to the point that I came off as mean and anti-social. I found it hard to relate to people and I don’t think I tried very hard. I wanted people to like me; I just found it hard to like them. I would get bored or annoyed with their conversation. Often I would find maintaining a new friendship would become tedious and then decide it wasn’t worth my time. I stuck with people I already knew and what I was familiar with. That was how it was and I here I was, cooking tacos while my best friend watched game shows in the living room. Why couldn’t I be the guy who had a full and busy social life? 

“JR” I asked “Do you think I shouldn’t see Salvador again? Do you think I need to stop being a bitch and date someone my own age?” Do you think I’m like this huge bitch who can’t find a man my own-“

JR cut me off “You’re stoned. Why are you still worried about that?”

I looked away from him “I just care what you guys think. I don’t want you to think badly about me.” It was true; I wanted my friends to support me. The thought that they may not like what choices I made did not sit well with me.

He got up and walked over to the kitchen and sat at the table. His cigarettes sat on the table top and he pulled one out. He offered me a cigarette and I took it. After lighting my cigarette, then his own, he spoke to me, never once taking his eyes off mine. 

“I am always gonna be your friend and I’m always gonna be cool with you. What does it matter anyway if he is older than you? If you’re having fun, then what’s the big deal? If anyone else don’t like it, fuck ‘em.” He stared at his cigarette then looked back up at me. “Do you really like him?”

“I don’t know.” I answered “He’s nice to me and we had a good time. I definitely want to get to know him more. After we went out that night I do want to see him again.” I turned back to the dinner I was in the process of making. 

“Do you remember that man, Marcus that lived down the street from me over on Highland?” JR asked. “I fucked him and he was like 36 or 38.”

“I knew it!” I shrieked and pointed my knife at him. “You always told me you were just his friend but I knew, I just knew that you had fucked him! Why didn’t you tell me? I tell you everything.”

“Cause girl” he smiled, putting out his cigarette “I was 17 and I didn’t want you thinking I was a slut. And you got a big mouth and I didn’t want him to get in trouble.”

“Oh I see” my eyes narrowed “but I’ve thought you were a slut since you were 12.”

“You know what?” he said standing up “You are a huge bitch who can’t find a man her own damn age.”

“How was it?” I asked.

“How was what? Sex with Marcus?” he replied coyly. 

“YES!” I said exasperatedly “Now tell me!”

“It was good, girl. But he kept saying, yuh, all the time.”

“Yea?” I corrected?

“No. Yuh. He breathed hard and he would say “Yuh, that’s good. Yuh.” that was weird.” He looked up toward the ceiling while he was recalling the memory.

“That’s dirty.” My hand reflexively reached up to cover my mouth. “I feel dirty after hearing that.”

JR’s eyes came down to meet mine “That makes you feel dirty, girl? YUH! OH YUH!” He smiled and goosed me. 

I laughed heartily, almost dropping my knife. He twirled around and walked off towards the living room and flopped back onto the couch. I felt relief, two of the people that mattered most to me were supporting of whatever I chose. How many friends did I need when I already had two of the most loyal friends I could ask for? I turned my attention back to the kitchen, singing softly to myself. 

The next day, after work, I was driving home quickly in the rain. Tonight Clara, JR and I were going to the Royal for a night of dancing. Traffic was very light so getting home was no problem. Once inside I started stripping off my clothes and hopped in the shower. JR would be home in about half an hour and I wanted to be dressed by the time he got there so there would be no lag time with both of us fighting over the bathroom. After my shower I stepped out, wrapped a towel around myself and walked to my closet in the bedroom so I could study my clothes. I decided on an old Everclear ringer tee a pair of dark boot cut jeans. I was just running gel through the curls on my head as JR came walking through the front door.

“Give me fifteen minutes and I can be ready!” he shouted dropping clothing down the hallway as he rushed to the bathroom. 

“It’s ok; Clara won’t be here for at least another twenty minutes.” I replied and stepped out of the bathroom. I headed to the kitchen to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when the buzzer sounded alerting me that someone was wanting into our building. I pressed my reply button and asked who it was.

“It’s Clara.” Came a static filled reply. 

I hit the button to let her in. My stomach rumbled with a deep protest about not getting a sandwich yet and I started to pull out what I needed for my quick dinner. Clara came in carrying her purse and a gray umbrella. She wore a long gray sweater with a hood and brown corduroy pants, the bottoms of which were wet. 

“It’s starting to rain harder outside. Maybe you should drive to the train stop instead of us walking.” 

“That’s cool.”I didn’t mind driving the two blocks to the stop.“JR is getting ready, do you want a sandwich?”

“No, I had some macaroni and cheese before I left.” She said as she sat down at the table. “Do you want to smoke a bowl before we go?”

“Yeah, pack it.” I took a bite of my sandwich, enjoying the taste of strawberry jam and peanut butter in my mouth. “The bowl is in my dresser drawer, top left.”

She took off down the hall and I heard the shower shutting off in the bathroom. Clara returned, bowl in hand, and started packing as I finished my meal. We waited to start until JR was ready and had come to join us in the kitchen. We smoked quickly as we had noticed there was only 15 minutes before the train was going to arrive at the stop. The phone started ringing as I locked the front door and I decided to just let the answering machine pick up, we were in a hurry. The rain was coming down in sheets, flooding the apartment parking lot. We ran to the car and I raced us to the station. We were parking just as people were starting to board, huddled in group with an assortment of umbrellas to protect them against the water that was plummeting from the dark sky.

Once seated inside we sat back and stared at the other passengers on the train, sometimes eavesdropping, other times just observing. We didn’t talk to each other much, probably because we were too stoned to really want to talk. The train shuddered each time it stopped to pick up more passengers and let some off. It was a very cool night for August, almost chilly. When the doors would slide open a rush of cold air would whirl past us. Lightening had started brightening the sky that seemed to send a message to the rain to come down faster and for the thunder to boom with more force. We exited and a thunderclap heralded our arrival. I zippered up my blue track jacket, which I had grabbed on my way out, up as far as it would go. We walked down to the bus stop and smoked a cigarette as we waited, all of us squeezing in under Clara’s umbrella. The bus didn’t take long to get to us and within fifteen minutes we were in front of the Royal, standing in line with other teenagers waiting to get in. The bouncer stamped our hand as he collected our five dollar fee and we walked inside to beat of thumping house music. 

After leaving our jackets with the coat check we made our way up the curved staircase, which was filled with people, up to the main dance floor. The rain may have been pouring but it was no deterrent to teenagers who looked forward to Wednesday nights here. JR immediately saw some friends of his and went off to go talk to them, swishing his hips on his way over. I motioned for Clara to follow me to dance floor. On the dance floor we had to make a spot for ourselves and started to gyrate to the bass that rattled throughout the room. We smiled at each other and started backing up slowly while we danced. It was our trick to getting more of the precious dance floor space. In a few minutes we had an arms length of room between us and began twirling each other around. Out of nowhere, JR appeared between us and we started a three person electric slide. Soon others joined in, then a few more, until there was a good portion of the dance floor sliding in unison. When I had my fill of the dance floor I walked over to the large windows facing the downtown street and had a seat at an empty table, lighting up a cigarette and staring down at the traffic below. Clara had followed me and sat opposite me. She lit up her own cigarette and looked out onto the dance floor. 

“The slide doesn’t go with house music.” She yelled across the table, never taking her eyes off of the crowd of people dancing. 

I tore my eyes from the street and glanced over at the knot of bodies “No, but I don’t think it matters.” 

“There’s a guy coming over here.” She yelled, again. Yelling was the only way to be heard. The sound system was overkill for the area that was being occupied. 

I followed her gaze to a man, or should I say boy as he appeared to be just about our ages. He wore loose, oversized clothes and walked with a G-swagger. Two silver loop earrings adorned his ears on a perfectly faded head. He was Puerto Rican and his face showed a cool and calm demeanor as he made his way over to us. He had a thing chinstrap goatee that was typical for “thugs” and thug wannabes. He smiled smugly at us when he stopped at the end of our table

“What’s up?” he greeted.

As if it were planned, Clara and I exhaled in unison at him and replied “Hey.” It came out monotone and not very inviting. Neither of us smiled, we just sat there staring at him, waiting for what he would say next.

“How y’all doing?” he asked, his eyes darting between the two of us.

Clara and I both looked at each other, but she was the one who decided to cut to the chase first.

“Who’d you come over here to kick your game at?” she yelled up at him.

It was a fair question. The venue attracted an immensely diverse crowd. There was gay, straight and everything in between that came here. Confusion over who was flirting with who was commonplace and we had decided on previous encounters to get things sorted out asap so there wouldn’t be any embarrassing moments.

He blushed quickly and deeply, shrugging his shoulders and looking away from us. He looked at us once more and nodded his head in my direction.

“This must be my lucky day.” I said stamping out my cigarette in the ashtray.

Clara smiled at me “Lucky you” she got up “I’m out. My name is Clara.” She outstretched her left hand; her right hand was occupied with her cigarette.

“Brandon” he replied taking her hand and shaking it quickly.

“You know where to find me.” She said giving me a brief asknowledgment. She walked off to the D.J. booth. The D.J. and Clara had a thing going. Every time they saw each other they would talk all night and he would give her his one-hitter and she would go to the bathroom to smoke his expensive chronic. This was their ritual, he talked, she talked and he shared what he had with her. Everyone was happy.

Brandon took her seat across from me and looked at me expectantly. We gazed at each other without saying a word for several long moments. Right as I was getting uncomfortable, I remembered my manners.

“Fredo.”I said extending my hand to him.

“Brandon.” He repeated. “I was thinking we was just gonna have a staring contest or some shit.” He laughed at his own joke. His voice was deep and soothing. 

Brandon was twenty years old and was born and raised on the west side of Chicago. He lived with his mother and two sisters. They were not aware he was gay and he felt no real desire to tell them. He worked at a car wash full-time and had dreams of becoming a rapper. There were past relationships but they were superficial and he felt he couldn’t be honest with them. Thugs were off of his plate now and he wanted to find a cleaner cut guy that he could spend his time with.

“Man, you got me talking too much.” He smiled as he handed me the blunt he had bought along with him. We had made our way outside to smoke and were out behind the building with a few other smokers. The rain had stopped and the wind had taken its place. 

“Sorry” I replied “I don’t have much to say. I lead a boring life.”

“I want to know more about the boring life this handsome boy lives.” He said smoothly, inching his way to closer to me.

His slight move towards me triggered my flight response and I quickly handed his blunt back to him. 

“I’m gonna go find my friends” I said hastily “They’re probably wondering where I went. I shouldn’t have left without telling them where I was going. They’ll be looking for me.” I was stammering and I knew I was not ducking out gracefully.

“Hold up” he said quickly “Take my number. I’d like to talk to you again.”

“I don’t have anything to write with.” I was taking small steps backwards towards the alley.

Brandon looked over to the other people who were sharing the lot behind the building with us and called out to them “PEN?!”

A heavyset Latino girl reached in her purse, walked over and handed Brandon a pen. He thank her and reached into his pocket, pulling out rolling papers. After he wrote his information on it he handed it to me.

“Here’s my number. Call me whenever. I’m gonna jet.” He seemed to be nervous now, probably from the vibe I was giving. I took the paper quickly and jammed it in the back pocket of my jeans.

“Right” I said curtly and started walking away quickly towards the front of the building. I suddenly felt stupid and rude so I turned around to call back to him “Thanks for the..thing.”

“Laters, chulo.” He called back.

I walked away sighing heavily and made my way back up to the dance floor. Clara was standing at the top of the staircase with JR, both of them grinning at me.

“You didn’t even introduce me to that hot ass papi.” JR said with a pout on his face.

“Sorry, I didn’t even think about it.”

Clara sniffed me. “You were smoking? A blunt?”

“Yeah.” I said sheepishly.

“How you gonna smoke a blunt with a hot ass papi and not invite your best girls?” JR said with impatience in his voice.

“That hot ass papi was talking to me. “ I retorted “He wasn’t interested in you.”

“You get the digits?” JR gave me a challenging look.

“Bitch” I answered, pulling the rolling paper from my back pocket and holding it up for both to see.

Clara rolled her eyes and searched the staircase. “Where is he?”

I sucked my lips in as I put the paper back into my pocket. That feeling of stupidity came back to me and I winced as I remembered my retreat.

“I kinda bailed on him.” I said meekly.

“You scaredy bitch.” JR spat at me and walked back into the main hall. 

Clara stood facing me waiting for more information. I put my hand on the back of my neck and the other in my front pocket. I tried to think of a way to say what happened that wouldn’t make me appear to be a “scaredy bitch” but there was no real way.

“He moved in like he was going to kiss me and I took off.” 

She leaned back against the banister and pulled out her cigarettes. 

“Your eyes are so red” she said, digging for her lighter “You’re so stoned. You get sketchy when you’re stoned. If you were drunk you would’ve kissed him.”

“Maybe.” I said.

We looked at each other and laughed. I fished out my own cigarette and stood there with her at the entrance to the hall. The music had switched over to full blown techno and the lights were going berserk. People were pushing past us to get back to the dance floor and we held our cigarettes high so we wouldn’t burn anyone. Then, a hand. On my shoulder. Tapping to get my attention. It was Brandon. The rain had started again, which was evident by the water that dripped off of him in small crystalline drops.

“Hi Brandon.” Clara said, smiling sweetly as she peered over my shoulder.

“What’s up, Clara.” he said quickly, and then to me “Do you got a man?”

Clara pulled away from my shoulder but did not stop listening nor did she walk away.

“What?” I was surprised to see him and his question caught me off guard. “No. Did you come back here to ask me that?” I was stammering again and my heart was racing.

“Hell yeah I did.” He replied, his voice going higher than I was used to. “We was talking and I thought it was cool between us and then you jet like you forgot your man was inside.” He studied my face and tried to gauge my reaction to him. “I just want to get that straightened out real quick cause I ain’t about wasting my time or playing the damn game with you.” 

“I hear that shit.” It was JR who had come back into the group. I threw him a look that let him know to keep quiet, and then turned my attention back to Brandon.

“Well I don’t” I continued “If I did, I would’ve told you. If I did, I wouldn’t have been outside smoking with you. If I did, you wouldn’t have gotten past a hello.”

“Then why’d you run.” He said so softly so that it was barely audible against the electronic thumping.

“I do that sometimes.” I said apologetically. Again, the feeling of stupidity surfaced.

“Alright.” He smiled. “I’m glad I came back.”

His smile was genuine. He stood there in front of me with his hands in his pockets and drops of water drying on his face. Maybe it was the weed, maybe it was the techno or maybe it was a combination. Actually, it was because I wanted to; I leaned forward and kissed him softly and he kissed me back, hard. I went to pull away, his hands wrapped around my waist and I felt the warm flick of his tongue in my mouth.

“That’s what I’m talking ‘bout.” JR laughed and clapped his hands. I could here Clara telling him to shut up.

We stopped our kiss but he still held my waist.

“Now I’m real glad I came back.” 

I threw my head back and laughed. He gave me another kiss and we all headed back to the dance floor. We danced with each other and anyone who would dance with us. JR danced with Brandon and Brandon danced with Clara. We would dance with strangers. Each time I would look over at Brandon, he would be looking right back at me. The dancing continued until we were sweaty with exertion and still we kept going. After what seemed like only an hours, that was actually more along the line of 4 hours, the lights of the hall blinked on and off three times, signaling that it was three in the morning and that everyone was to leave. 

“Oh shit!” I exclaimed “It’s fucking three and I have to work at nine! We have to go, like now!” 

JR and Clara were laughing and hugging then turned to me and nodded. They started walking away towards the stairs to leave. Brandon took my hand and we followed quickly behind. Once we had out jackets and Clara’s umbrella we started our goodbyes.

“You gonna call me, Chulo?” Brandon asked as the bus was pulling up to the stop.

“You know it.” I said happily and we started another deep kiss.

Clara and JR waved beckoning to follow them. The bus waits for no one. 

“C’mon Fredo!” Clara yelled “Bye Brandon!”

“Laters Mama.” 

“Bye Papi!” JR waved and winked.

“Be cool J.”

I ran over to the bus and paid my fee. I looked out the window as it lurched away from the bus stop. Brandon stood there with his hands in his pockets again, people milling past him, the glow from the traffic light coloring him with a greenish tint. It had been a great night and I was giddy with the excitement of meeting Brandon. Yes, he was a bit rough around the edges but I found that I liked that about him. I started thinking about the way his kiss felt, when JR spoke up and interrupted my thoughts.

“Girl, that hot ass papi really likes him some Fredo!” He laughed and smacked my knee.

“Oh my god,” I flushed “isn’t he some of the hottest shit you’ve seen!?”

“Puerto Rican boys are so fucking hot.” Clara chimed in.

“Damn, we aren’t going to be home until four. I’m going to be a zombie at work tomorrow.” The idea of going to work was upsetting, but I had to pay my way so there was no debate over it. On the train home we spoke about our evening and what we had to do that day. At three forty five in the morning the train is almost deserted. We made it back to the apartment as the first few tendrils of sunlight were rising up over the horizon. It was never a good thing to come home on a workday as the sun was coming up. Once upstairs, Clara flopped onto our couch and I groggily made my way to my bed and fell asleep almost instantly. JR had gone to his bed on the other side of the room and went to sleep without undressing, shoes on and all.

In the softly dawn lit kitchen the answering machine blinked, signaling its messages.

I arrived home from work that evening in a daze. I slowly climbed out of my car and lumbered up to the apartment building. Before heading upstairs I checked the mail and Russell came out to check his mail box. He gave me nod and smile as he approached.

“Hi, neighbor!” he had too much energy in his voice for me to handle. 

“Hi, Russ.” 

“Whoa, buddy! You need some sleep.” He had noticed the obvious bags hanging under my eyes.

“Yeah. Late night.” 

“Try raising a baby!” His laughter irritated me in a way that almost compelled me to instruct him to go fuck himself. “Did you get the letter yet? He asked me after he had stopped his ridiculous braying and was checking his mail.

“What letter?” I perked up a bit.

“They are raising our rent. 25 dollars. Starting in October.” He looked over at me shrugging his shoulders.

“Oh. Terrific.” I shut my mailbox and flipped through the letters. There it was; a letter from the property management company. “Here it is.”

“It’s only 25 dollars, man. Money, easy come, easy go!” The idiotic laughter started up once more. “I’ll catch you later man.” He walked out into the waning sunlight and ravenous mosquitoes that waited outside.

“Fuck you and your baby.” I muttered under my breath as I waited for the elevator. I slipped my shoes off once I was inside the front door and robotically went to go check our answering machine. The number four blinked in red, I pressed play and went to pour myself a glass of milk..

You have four new messages. The robotic voice seemed to make me sleepier.

First message at 7:48 P.M. 
Dial tone

I debated if I had enough energy to actually eat.

Second message at 8:17 P.M.
“Hi, Fredo? It’s Sal. Call me when you get this. Bye.”

No, I was too tired to eat. I just wanted to sleep. 

Third message at 9:54 P.M.
“Fredo, it’s Sal again. I will be in town Saturday instead of Thursday. Make some time for me. Sorry I missed you. Hope you’re having fun tonight. Bye.”

I wondered if I would drown if I fell asleep showering.

Fourth message at 4:13 P.M.
“Hey girl! I feel bad for you getting up early! I got some good sleep, (laughing) I didn’t have to work til three today. Anyway girl, I’m going over to Josh’s house after work so I ain’t gonna be home tonight, you know. HA! I’m gonna be riding that cock until that mother-“

I slammed my finger down on the delete button. At least I was going to have the place to myself with no one around who would disturb me. I showered quickly and grabbed the phone before I went to lie down. I climbed into bed and yawned. Rummaging through my nightstand I found Salvador’s phone number and punched in the numbers. He picked up on the second ring. 

“Hi gorgeous.” Everyone had caller ID now. JR and I were too poor to afford it on our home phone.

“Hi Sal, sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. I was out late last night and then I only got like 3 hours sleep and I worked all day. I got home just a while ago and showered. Now I’m in bed. I feel like I could sleep forever.” I was rambling, my eyes closed.

“You sound tired, gorgeous. Did you have fun? Meet anyone?”

I opened my eyes slightly. “Yeah, I had a good time. I went out with Clara and JR.” I felt awkward about answering him on his second question so I decided to just not answer it and wait to see if he asked again. It didn’t seem to be his business anyhow.

“That nice, gorgeous. You get my messages? Is it ok if I come by Saturday? I was able to be in your area earlier.” He did not seem to notice or care that I had skipped his second question and I closed my eyes again. 

“You’re work schedule is pretty flexible.” I said “Saturday is fine. You can come by whenever, I’ll be here all day.”

“Great.” He said with a smile in his voice. “I will be there before noon. I’ll call you when I land. I’m in Georgia right now. It’s so humid outside, I thought Florida was bad.” He chuckled to himself.

“I’ll see you Saturday then.” I was cutting him short but I was way too tired for small talk.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I know you’re tired. I’ll call you later.” He waited a few moments for my response. When he figured he would get none, he continued “Bye gorgeous.”

I felt bad for being short with him. “Ok, bye Sal. I can’t wait to see you again.” I figured I would stroke his ego, make him feel good.

“Me too!” he responded with obvious cheer in his voice.

I hung up and stretched my arms and legs. My eyes flipped open as the thought of Brandon came to my mind. I smiled, indeed I did meet someone when I was out last night. The decision to call was instantaneous and I rolled over to grab my discarded jeans that lay on the floor next to my bed. The crinkled rolling paper was thin and flimsy in my hand. I dialed, closing my eyes again as the phone started ringing. 

“Yeah, what’s good?” His familiar voice seeped from the phone and I found it arousing.

“Hey Brandon, it’s Fredo.” I smiled, enjoying the rush that flowed through me.

“Hey papa. I was thinking about you all day, for real.” 

I was flush with heat and giggled foolishly.

“Did you make it to work?” 

“Yes. But I was so tired. I’m in bed now and ready to sleep once I hang up with you. I can’t be out all night like that and go to work. It kills me.” I didn’t mention that I felt wide awake talking to him. Funny how some things can perk you right up.

“I hear you, I was tired at work today myself. I want to see you again for real though. I’m taking my ma to a movie tonight and I work late tomorrow. Let me see you Saturday.” 

It wasn’t really a question he asked, more of a statement. I quickly mulled it over in my head. I could see Sal in the morning and afternoon, and then meet up with Brandon that night. It could be done, it could be fun. 

“7:30, let’s meet at Nookies Café on Halsted.” I said without skipping a beat.

“Get some dinner and go to the rocks. Kick it.” The rocks was the name given to the beach at the end of Belmont St. Full of jagged rocks that lined shoreline. I was delighted at his suggestion to go there. It would be a good walk.

“Sounds good.” I chirped

“I’ll see you Saturday, papa.” His voice ran through me like a liquid.

“I can’t wait to see you.” I said with total sincerity. 

“Good, cause I sure can’t wait to see you.” 

I could’ve died a happy man at that moment.

“Bye Brandon.”

“Laters, Chulo.”

I hung up and cast the phone aside. My laughter filled the silent room and I pulled my pillow over my head. Outside the sun had finished setting allowing the glow of orange street lamps to fill the sky. A beautiful late summer night rolled across the city as I fell into a sleep, so deep, that I never heard JR calling to check up on me.

Saturday provided another sunny day for everyone. Out at the pool, apartment residents were already splashing and laughing in the warm weather. As August started drawing to a close you started to appreciate each day, knowing that the frigid winter was eagerly waiting to wrap itself around you. I was seated at the kitchen table with a bowl of Frosted Flakes, a calculator and the bills that demanded money. We had enough to cover our expenses and food, barely. I wouldn’t have a lot to play with later, but as long as our necessities were covered I was ok with that. I hummed as I shoveled the sugary flakes into my mouth. I sat in my boxers and an old T-shirt, the television blaring Saturday morning cartoons throughout the apartment. 

I was feeling anxious for my day. The thought of juggling two dates gave me a wicked feeling that I relished. In high school I had been a master at such things but I had fallen out of practice once I had left. Not to worry, I thought, it’s got to be like riding a bike. I heard JR coming down the hallway and he appeared wearing a small baby doll tee and frilly panties.

“Girl, the teevee is too damn loud.” He gave me a dirty look and walked over to the refrigerator. 

I smiled and let milk dribble down to my chin.

“I do not want to work today. It’s so nice out.” He groaned as he poured himself a bowl of cereal. 

I decided to gloat. “I have weekends off and I get to go out on two dates today. I’m gonna be all out in the sun with a man on my arm all day and a man on my arm tonight.” I finished the last of my cereal and continued “Sexy men too. I love Saturdays.” 

“Keep it up and you’ll get this cereal thrown in your face.” JR said brusquely. 

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!” I teased “Sounds like you need a delicious Sonic brand breakfast to kick start your morning.” I patted the top of his head and he smacked my arm smartly. I laughed despite the reprimand. 

“Mind if I shower before you? I want to be ready for when Sal gets here.”

“I don’t care, bitch. I’m tired of looking at your ugly face.” His head rested on one hand while he held his spoon with the other. “Just don’t take too long, I have to be to work soon.”

I got up and gave him a patronizing kiss on the cheek, narrowly avoiding another smack. Cackling, I ran off to the shower to get ready. When I emerged from the bathroom, JR yelled out to me.

“Your old man called. He said he would be here in an hour.”

“Ok. The shower’s all yours.”

I dressed slowly; khaki shorts and a green short-sleeved rugby shirt. JR came into the room, fresh from the shower, a pink towel wrapped around his chest.

“You look cute, girl.”

“Thanks.” I said, leaning over to put on my socks. “I feel cute today. I’m going to straight up play the game today, so you know I gots to look good.”

“Alright mija.” JR and I laughed conspiratorially and went in for a high five.

It was true, I felt terrific. I had been looking forward to today and now that it was here I felt electrified. These two men were appealing to both ends of the spectrum, Sal was mature and responsible, and Brandon was young and energetic. The icing on the cake was the fact they were both so attractive. Confidence surged through my aura and put a bounce in my step. I slipped on my white sneakers and decided to accessorize with a hemp necklace that Clara had made for me. The buzzer cried out, letting me know that Sal had arrived. I walked over to the intercom.

“Hello?”

“It’s Sal.”

“Come on up.” I buzzed him in and quickly cleared up our breakfast bowls while I waited for him to make his way up to us. He knocked on the front door twice and I opened it, greeting him with a smile that stretched from ear to ear. Game on.

He scanned me slowly “Gorgeous.” 

“Come in” I motioned for him to step inside. 

He stepped in and I could see his eyes running over the apartment. They flitted around the sparse furniture, the almost bare walls, the tiny kitchen table with only two chairs. Our place wasn’t a pigsty by any means but we certainly did not have much. Our couch was relatively new and so was the entertainment center. The television was older but was in working order and I felt no reason to be embarrassed. I studied his face as he looked at my home and his smile faltered just for a split second, almost imperceptible. Almost. 

“It’s not much,” I said “but it’s clean and it’s comfy.”

He gave me a kiss on the check. “Yes. Yes it’s nice. Comfy.”

“Yeah, well.” I smiled weakly. I felt ashamed. Suddenly I wanted us out of my apartment and its shabby interior. The feeling that I should apologize started rising in my throat but I forced it back down. Apologizing for the way I lived was not necessary. 

“Oh Sal! I didn’t even hear you come in!” JR had stepped out of the bedroom, wearing only a thong and pretending to dry his hair. His body shined with recently applied lotion. He feigned modesty by covering his nipples with the towel but nothing else. I inhaled sharply and gave him a wry smile. That trifling bitch.

“I need to get dressed for work. You boys have a good time today.” JR put one of his hands up to shield his gaze from us. Fake embarrassment. He turned his back to us, giving us an ample view of his round ass and stepped back into the bedroom, shutting the door. I would have to remember this for use at another time. 

Salvador looked over at me, eyes wide. 

“Eh. Would you like to go to the aquarium? I’ve never been to the one in Chicago and I hear it’s wonderful.”

“I would like that. It’s a great place, you should definitely see it.” I grabbed his hand and give it a light squeeze. My keys were on the kitchen counter and I scooped them up and dumped them in my pocket. No wallet, probably in my dresser. 

“My wallet is in the dresser. I’ll be right back.” I headed off to the bedroom and found my wallet thrown in with my socks. JR was getting his uniform shirt buttoned and pushed him onto his bed. 

“Nice one, bitch.” I stuck my tongue out and shut the door behind me. I could hear him laughing.

Salvador was in the kitchen drinking orange juice. He set his glass down and gave me a guilty look.

“I helped myself to some orange juice. Sorry, I should’ve asked first.”

“No big deal.” I assured him. “Are you hungry?”

“No, no. I can wait for lunch. Besides, your fridge is bare, gorgeous.”

“Not bare!” I exclaimed “I have everything you need for all sandwiches and cereal.”

“Ok.” He walked towards me, embracing me. “Let’s go.”

We left and he drove us to the Shedd Aquarium. It was busy and people were everywhere, en masse and rushing around. Our walk through was slow and we stopped for long intervals. As we ogled displays we spoke about his military service and his impoverished upbringing. He would probe for information on my family and how I came to be living on my own and supporting myself. The whole time he was very affectionate. His arm would be around me or he would run his hand through my hair. At times he would just flat out kiss me without any regard or thought to anyone who was around. That was exciting. I wasn’t accustomed to that and I found it refreshing. 

Standing at the otter exhibit, Sal told me he was getting hungry and wanted to eat so we left the bustling crowds and traded them in for the crowds at Navy Pier. We sat on a bench at the end of the pier, eating hot dogs and people watching. Once we finished I let him know that if you visit Navy Pier you absolutely had to ride the Ferris wheel. He agreed that there was no way one could leave and forget something so important. I sat close to him with my head on his shoulder as the ferris wheel made its slow revolutions. The sun in sky warned that I was in danger of disregarding my timeline.

“What time is it Sal?” I asked as we strolled past knick knack shops.

“Just about a quarter to six.” His watch was a Rolex. The first I had ever seen.

“I need to get back. I told my mom I would be over at her house tonight, I don’t want to get there too late.” This was the lie I came up with in the shower that morning. 

“Let’s get you home to momma.” He grinned.

It was six thirty when we arrived back at my apartment. Salvador asked to use the bathroom and I bought him in with me. As long as I was on the train at seven I could make it on time to see Brandon. I would get Salvador out quickly, change clothes, re-apply deodorant and cologne, and then race to the train station. Good planning. I gave myself a mental pat on the back. 

Salvador went directly to bathroom, once upstairs. I checked the answering machine (no messages) and was looking at the oven clock as he strode back into the kitchen. We were kissing our good bye when he stopped and held my face softly with his hand.

“Listen.” He said solemnly “I don’t want to make this weird, so please don’t take this the wrong way. I know you don’t have a lot.”

“I-“ 

As I opened my mouth to speak he moved his thumb gently over my lips to stop me. I bit my tongue and let him finish.

“That’s ok with me. I can see you like your independence and that is fine, just know that I can be a very generous man. I could be very good to you.”

With that said, he reached into his pocket and from it he pulled out a money clip that was bulging with money. From it he pulled out three, one hundred dollar, bills. His face was serious as he spoke to me. He put the money in my right hand.

“I can’t take this!” I said shocked. “That. I can’t.” My hand grasped his, forcing the money back into his hand. I was not a charity case and I certainly did not want to feel obligated to him. He took my hand once more and put the money back in it, this time keeping hold of my hand while he spoke.

“You don’t have to pay it back. It’s a gift. I want you to have it, I have plenty more.” His face formed a warm smile.

A gift. A gift from a man I barely knew and who barely knew me. I could’ve pushed it back once more. I could’ve pushed it back and asked him to leave. Standing there, with the money in my hand and that warm smile in my face, I decided to keep it. What the hell? It was a gift. I could use the money and he obviously wasn’t hurting for it. I found that excuse made taking the money, to be so easy. 

Greed is a deadly sin. One of the top seven sins, if I’m not mistaken.

My fingers wrapped around the cash and he let go.

“Thank you. I appreciate it.” I looked away and tucked the cash into my back pocket.

“You’re welcome.” He leaned forward and kissed me deeply. Stepping back he said “I’ll still be returning to Chicago on Thursday. I will come over right from the airport.”

He made the decision without so much as asking me if I found it acceptable. I didn’t mind it at the time, I was enjoying his company and this proved to be an added bonus. I wanted more generosity. 

We kissed once more and he left. I stood there in the kitchen and pulled the money back out. I stared at it and smiled. Yes, I definitely would see him again. I walked to the bedroom and put two of the bills in my sock drawer. I kept the one so that I would have more money for my night with Brandon. I pulled a new shirt from my closet and my thoughts came back to the money. I had to tell JR when I saw him next, he would flip. I slipped on jeans and sprayed some cologne. My clothes changed, I ran so that I would catch the train. 

Greed. It works in an instant.